Up until an hour ago, I thought today was a good day for me.
I thought it was a good day because up until an hour ago when I got home, I was successfully restricting just a tiny bit.
I know in the recovery world, that is a bad day, but in Ed’s world-the world I currently am sitting in, it’s a good day.
After I got home and ate two snacks that I didn’t plan on eating, I decided to tally up the calories from my day, without even including dinner, and I am really disappointed in myself now.
I am meeting a friend for dinner tonight, and my first inclination was to cancel, but I won’t.
I won’t because even though I might be willing to restrict food a little bit right now, but I am not willing to isolate myself again.
I am sitting here looking at the menu trying to see what “safe” foods there are and what I can eat that I won’t feel so guilty about.
I guess my question is, is today a good day because I partially restricted, or is it a good day because despite me wanting to have a safe dinner at home, I am going outside of my comfort zone and meeting my friend for dinner anyway-even though Ed is seriously breathing all over me?
I guess it’s the way I choose to look at it.
The day isn’t over it, so the power is very much in my hands.
I got to interview a young girl today for a piece I am writing for my university’s newspaper about being undocumented in America.
She kept thanking me for giving her the chance to tell her story to others.
I felt so valued, so important, and really smart.
Now that I saw I went way over my calorie limit for the day, I don’t feel that way anymore.
It really saddens me that a number, such as the calories from today, or the one pound I gained yesterday, can blur the way I view myself as a person.
I want today to be viewed as a good day, not because I didn’t eat much the first half of the day-but because I was productive; because I gave this young woman a chance to share her story; because I am pushing myself out of Ed’s world right now and meeting my friend for dinner.
If I can’t let Ed’s thoughts out of my mind today, the least I can do for myself is take a second to be grateful that I was given the opportunity today to give someone else a voice.
For me, this blog is my story; it’s my voice, and its my truth.
And now, by writing about this girl’s story, I am giving her that same gift this blog has given me.
Screw the calorie count for today…I am about to make a difference in this girl’s life, doesn’t that count for more than what I ate today?
Ed doesn’t think so.
My battle is, who do I listen to?
I am not sure because right now Ed is so loud, I feel his voice is stronger than mine.
But at least now, I can distinguish between Ed’s voice and my voice, and that is a beautiful thing for me.
I might be listening to Ed today, but at least my eyes are open to the fact that it’s just Ed-it’s not me who actually thinks calories are more important than the fact I am giving this girl a chance to share her story.
It’s just you Ed, it’s just you.
And when this story gets published, with my name at the top, no one will know that on the day I interviewed her, I was living in a world partially consumed by an eating disorder-they will only know that I shared this girl’s story-and I really like that idea.
Come to think of it, I don’t even need to think of today like that.
It’s one of those view the glass half full or half empty kind of scenarios.
I actually am proud of myself now, that I was able to go and speak with her and be present with her during her interview, instead of at the gym exercising and letting Ed run my life.
And I am still going to dinner with my friend right now.
You know what?
I changed my mind.
Today is a good day-and not in Ed’s world-in my world–where I was able to live my life despite Ed tugging on my hand the whole time.
I have decided my glass is half full today.
Part of it is filled with Ed, yet part of it is filled with perseverance, strength, and empowerment–one day, the glass will be overflowing.