168: When Ed Takes Over…

Hello everyone,

Ed took over me today.

After Karen, my nutritionist, accidentally told me I had gained one pound this week, (even though I told her two weeks ago not to tell me if I gain or lost weight, it accidentally slipped out)…Ed just exploded.

Let’s forget the fact that I wanted to lose weight this week, so to hear that I gained it, was absolutely the last thing I needed to hear.

Well, there is no sugarcoating this–when  I heard that, the only thing I could think of was how to lose it.

I asked Ed for help.

Karen even told me I could try to lose weight if I wanted to. She said it would be taking steps backward, but she also said she wouldn’t be mad if I tried to lose.

So, why the hell not, right?

This felt like a green light to go and restrict again.

I knew I had to exercise today, but I really didn’t feel like it,but that doesn’t matter when Ed takes over.

At 3:40 p.m., I left my house to go run outside in 100 degree heat.

I wasn’t running to feel good or strong, like I usually do.

I was running to burn; burn calories, burn feelings, and more than anything, I wanted my body to burn.

I wanted to feel my legs tingling.

I wanted to feel my head pounding.

Actually, I didn’t want those things-Ed did.

He wanted to punish me for gaining that 1 pound.

And he did.

20 minutes into the run, I hit my mark to turn around, and I couldn’t run anymore.

I was dizzy, I was dehydrated and I couldn’t move my body at any faster pace than a slow walk.

As I was trudging myself back up the steep hill to my house, it just hit me, that no one else is losing here, but me.

I was the one on that sidewalk letting Ed punish me over 1 pound.

I was the one feeling driven and forced by Ed-no one else is suffering but me.

It was such an intense moment for me, I decided I would take a picture of my face with my phone, so every time I think of running back to Ed again, I can look at that photo and see the pain, torture and exhaustion in my eyes.

The more I try to fight Ed and “lose” weight, the more I lose myself.

I’m not losing weight when I listen to Ed. I am losing my freedom; I am losing my trust within myself, and I am losing the right to enjoy my life.

Today was not enjoyable.

Today didn’t even feel like I was in recovery; it felt like total Ed domination.

I have been fighting Ed really hard for a few days now,and I am getting tired.

And even after that 30 minute run/walk in 100 degree heat, I don’t even feel any better about myself.

I don’t feel lighter.

I don’t feel proud.

I feel heavy with Ed’s guilt. I didn’t run enough…I didn’t walk fast enough…nothing is good enough for him.

I am tired of feeling like I am losing so many daily battles to Ed.

I have debated of weather to post the picture of myself that I took that moment I realized I was the only person losing to Ed, but I decided this is my blog,and that moment will forever be part of this journey, so I will post it at the end of it.

On the bright side, by me sitting here and exposing Ed to you all, and telling you all about how he took over me today, it makes him feel a little less powerful.

I feel like I am losing to Ed,but I  know I am not.

I am fighting him, and he is giving me a hard fight, that is all.

One day, these lost battles will help me appreciate all the battles that I have already won and will win in the future.

Maybe I’ll win one tomorrow.

I still have hope. And on that note, I end today with saying, hello life.

runing

 

 

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3 thoughts on “168: When Ed Takes Over…

  1. Shira, I’m so sorry you have continued to struggle the last couple of days. The good news as I see it, is that you are aware of your struggles and are still on this journey…good, bad and indifferent. As I have said before, we all have our good days and bad days. No one is perfect and it is when you expect perfection that you get yourself caught up in the bigger struggle. The most important thing is to give yourself some compassion and take the next step. There is always tomorrow. I’m so proud of you. Ed might have reared his ugly head today, but he did not win! You are winning by staying on your path and continuing your journey, bumpy road and all. You’re doing a great job. I love you!!

  2. That difficult walk back home is kind of like a metaphor for your entire journey, isn’t it? Just keep walking forward. Maybe you can’t see it now Shira, but you’re doing great. One day at a time.

    Love you!

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