I am having two of the worst days of my entire recovery.
Over the past few weeks, I have gone through many different situations, some including deciding to leave certain people out of my life, and some of them being others deciding to leave me out of theirs.
The end result is me feeling lonely and rejected.
But, this is not what I can focus on right now.
The pain and darkness I feel I am being surrounded by right now with these feelings of loneliness have proved to be far too heavy on my soul, on my body and on my heart.
Never in my recovery, has my intense desire to want to “lose weight” been as strong as it is right now.
I say lose weight in quotes, because part of me feels like I am in a good enough place in recovery to just eat a little less, not totally restrict, but part of me, also knows that with eating disorders, that is no half way.
It’s all or nothing.
What happened to me?
What happened to my voice that was so strong, that was telling me I am worthy of accepting myself as is?
What happened to the voice who said “screw these other people in your life, you deserve to be around people who know how great you are.?”
I feel like I’ve lost a piece of my recovered self to these feelings of loneliness, unworthiness, and ultimately, lost a part of myself back to Ed.
What happened that isolation has now become my friend again?
What happened that hunger feels good to me again?
I am so disconnected from my body right now, that even though I am hungry, I have no desire to satisfy it.
I feel as though if I am going to be feeling sad, lonely or rejected, the least I can do, is not make myself feel worse by stuffing food in my mouth.
But isn’t it ironic, that while I so badly try to fight these negative feelings I am feeling inside, instead-I just fight my physical feelings of hunger.
It feels so much easier to do that.
My voice is lost right now.
It’s not gone forever , just momentarily lost, until I can find it again.
What happened to the girl who loved herself enough to know shes worthy of love and respect?
Where did she go?
She’s very very far away from me right now.
She’s lost in the deep end of rejection and loneliness and shes swimming trying to find the shallow waters of self assurance and self confidence.
I personally don’t feel like going anywhere tonight, or seeing any people-but I am dying to kiss and hold my little brothers and to feel their genuine love all around me, and I will force myself to go hug them and hold them because I need something right now to help find myself again and bring me back from Ed-even if it’s just for 2 minutes when I am hugging them.
I will walk through this pain.
I will walk through this loneliness.
I will find a way to re-find myself and my self worth.
Forget one day at a time-right now, it is one minute at a time.
In this minute, I am going to find it within me to go eat something, because I am still dedicated to my recovery.
It feels like I am a third person watching myself go through the motions of eating because I am so disconnected from my body, but that’s OK.
I have faith, that soon, I will be back.
That girl will come back to me, and together, we’ll one day, defeat Ed.
Moment by moment, I will make it through today.
I still have hope…and at this point, that is enough for me to say, hello life.