Day 165: What Happened To That Girl…

Hi everyone,

I am having two of the worst days of my entire recovery.

Over the past few weeks, I have gone through many different situations, some including deciding to leave certain people out of my life, and some of them being others deciding to leave me out of theirs.

The end result is me feeling lonely and rejected.

But, this is not what I can focus on right now.

The pain and darkness I feel I am being surrounded by right now with these feelings of loneliness have proved to be far too heavy on my soul, on my body and on my heart.

Never in my recovery, has my intense desire to want to “lose weight” been as strong as it is right now.

I say lose weight in quotes, because part of me feels like I am in a good enough place in recovery to just eat a little less, not totally restrict, but part of me, also knows that with eating disorders, that is no half way.

It’s all or nothing.

What happened to me?

What happened to my voice that was so strong, that was telling me I am worthy of accepting myself as is?

What happened to the voice who said “screw these other people in your life, you deserve to be around people who know how great you are.?”

I feel like I’ve lost a piece of my recovered self to these feelings of loneliness, unworthiness, and ultimately, lost a part of myself back to Ed.

What happened that isolation has now become my friend again?

What happened that hunger feels good to me again?

I am so disconnected from my body right now, that even though I am hungry, I have no desire to satisfy it.

I feel as though if I am going to be feeling sad, lonely or rejected, the least I can do, is not make myself feel worse by stuffing food in my mouth.

But isn’t it ironic, that while I so badly try to fight these negative feelings I am feeling inside, instead-I just fight my physical feelings of hunger.

It feels so much easier to do that.

My voice is lost right now.

It’s not gone forever , just momentarily lost, until I can find it again.

What happened to the girl who loved herself enough to know shes worthy of love and respect?

Where did she go?

She’s very very far away from me right now.

She’s lost in the deep end of  rejection and loneliness and shes swimming trying to find the shallow waters of self assurance and self confidence.

I personally don’t feel like going anywhere tonight, or seeing any people-but I am dying to kiss and hold my little brothers and to feel their genuine love all around me, and I will force myself to go hug them and hold them because I need something right now to help find myself again and bring me back from Ed-even if it’s just for 2 minutes when I am hugging them.

I will walk through this pain.

I will walk through this loneliness.

I will find a way to re-find myself and my self worth.

Forget one day at a time-right now, it is one minute at a time.

In this minute, I am going to find it within me to go eat something, because I am still dedicated to my recovery.

It feels like I am a third person watching myself go through the motions of eating because I am so disconnected from my body, but that’s OK.

I have faith, that soon, I will be back.

That girl will come back to me, and together, we’ll one day, defeat Ed.

Moment by moment, I will make it through today.

I still have hope…and at this point, that is enough for me to say, hello life.

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4 thoughts on “Day 165: What Happened To That Girl…

  1. Darling Shira,

    The girl who’s made so much progress in her recovery is still there. The girl who is worthy to be loved is still there. I know you are feeling isolated and upset right now. Not every journey can be on level ground. Sometimes there are hills to climb, and you’re facing one right now. I know you will find the strength to go forward. Just give yourself permission not to be perfect. You don’t have to be a superstar all the time to be loved. Ask anyone. We love you. Unconditionally. Especially when you’re having doubts.

    Mary

  2. Shira, I’m so sorry you’re having such a difficult time right now. And I’m so proud of you that you can break things down to take them one minute at a time, because sometimes that’s what you need to do to get through the tough times. You need to live in that exact moment and not look one minute ahead. The really interesting thing is that I you to know is that everyone has these tough times, and everyone has their difficulties in dealing with them. You are doing a great job in choosing to fight on and move through these hard times and not let Ed win because throughout life there will be all sorts of challenges. You are a fighter and you have been in this ring before. I think the really hard part is that it’s unexpected when things are going good and then you’re thrown for a loop when you hit a bump in the road. You will get through this bump and continue on your path. I am so proud of you and I love you lots! Xoxo

  3. Your honestly with yourself and te world is amazing- just like you. And if you feel lost at the moment we (all the people who love you) will hold you up until your strength comes back. Life is one big ride of hills and valleys… The only place to go when you’re down is up!
    I love you!!

  4. My heart hurts when I see you Goin through such a hard time. As Said above, we all go through tough times, no one is perfect and no one can be a super human all the time. And as Mary said you are still that girl with strength and still that girl who deserves respect and worthiness ! It’s ok to feel down sometimes it’s a little hill that you will overcome. We love you when your up and when your down and we as humans will always be going up and down on the hills of life and our loved ones are there to love us everyday. I love you and I’m sorry for the tough time you’re experiencing I hope you got to hug our brothers and feel the love they have for you as we all do because I’d give you the same hug ! Miss you and ima
    Go kick eds ass right now !! Knock em down deanbo UFC style ;))) I gotchuuuu

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