Day 164: Participating In Loving Life

Happy July 4th everyone,

Today started out to be one of the hardest days that I have had with Ed in a few weeks.

I actually started my day just how  I said I would in my blog yesterday, and looked in the mirror and told myself I was beautiful.

I didn’t cry, I didn’t smile-I just said it and moved on. I don’t think I am at the point where I totally believe that statement yet, but one day, I hope to be.

Anyway, I was thinking about last July 4th,and what I did. I was thinking about how much I weighed on that day, what I ate that day, and what I was wearing on that day.

So, what did I do? I went and found the shorts I wore last July 4th, when I was very much entrenched in my eating disorder, and I tried them on.

I basically invited Ed into my mind and made him a damn chair where he can sit, judge and criticize me all day.

I tried those shorts on once before at the very beginning of my recovery, and at the time, I thought they fit OK.

Well, today they didn’t fit OK anymore.

They fit terribly.

They were tighter, they were shorter and they were just all around uncomfortable.

I could not stand the way I looked in them.

I sat on my bed and cried as I was texting my aunt and trying to explain to her why I didn’t want to come to the BBQ we were both invited to today.

I felt disgusting, uncomfortable, and disappointed in what I looked like, and I didn’t want to be around people or food.

My aunt told me that sometimes going and faking it till you make it is what needs to be done, and in today’s case, that was true.

By now, I know the kind of people I need to surround myself with when I am feeling Ed pushing me into isolation; when I know he can easily persuade me to be alone and let him beat me up over and over and break me down until I find the strength to pick myself up again.

Thankfully for me, I have the most incredible best friend, (and family and other friends too, but today, it was her), who are able to bring me back to the present moment.

Me, her and her boyfriend went out to eat one of the best meals I’ve had in a while.

I didn’t have to tell her anything or explain why I didn’t want to go to the BBQ with my aunt before, because she already knew.

We didn’t talk about it very much, all we did was make a plan to go out and eat-and I think that was the biggest blessing.

Ed is like a little kid who throws a temper tantrum.

When you give him attention, he keeps going and going. But when you ignore him ,he eventually stops fighting and quiets down.

That is kind of what happened today.

I didn’t give Ed all of my attention and I still continued  on with my day, despite the strong urge to isolate myself and just cry over how bad I feel I look today.

I didn’t totally ignore him either, but I put him aside for another time-and he’s still aside right now.

Today has actually turned out to not be as bad as I thought it would be, even with a few set backs in the beginning.

Iwore a really tight dress when we went out to go eat so I would keep myself from eating too much-total Ed domination.

But in the end, I still think I won today, because I still went out and enjoyed myself and my friends and above all, my life.

I sit here right now feeling lucky and blessed to have the incredible family and friends that I have, who I know, at any given moment, would do anything to crush Ed and make me feel beautiful.

I am not sure what the rest of my day will look like.

I might go to the BBQ, I might go back to my friend’s house, or I might just relax at home;but no matter what, I already conquered Ed today and I will keep him him aside for another time.

I read a quote today that made perfect sense about what I am going through today.

“Sometimes , the easiest way to solve a problem is to stop participating in the problem.”

I am not participating in Ed’s games anymore today.

I am not going to try on anymore clothes.

I am not going to look in the mirror for another 20 minutes again.

I am not going to think about taking photos of myself, as I am still on my 30 day photo cleanse.

I will participate in one thing only, and that is participating in loving my life and all the blessings such as my friends and family who are part of it.

Next July 4, I hope to look back on today and laugh at Ed.

Hello life.

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