Up until about five minutes ago, I was too busy to really think about my body or the way that it looked today.
But now, I had a minute-my first free minute all day, and what did I decide to do with it?
Yup-I decided to stare at myself in the mirror.
And by stare, I mean analyze every single inch of me.
What my arm used to look like, how my legs used to look like in these pants, and how they look now.
How would they look if I took off an inch here or there…using my hands to pinch away the inches.
Standing at different angles…and taking different pictures (my photo cleanse ended a few days ago, and I think after this I need to start a new one).
Why couldn’t I just skip the mirror today?
But, even though I don’t like what I see, it is not destroying me like it used to. I am actually more upset with the fact that I can’t find the compassion within myself to not judge myself so harshly.
I am so caring and compassionate when it comes to caring for other people in my life…why can’t I do it for myself?
But, I will say, that even though I am not happy with how I look today, it doesn’t make me unhappy with who I am as a person.
Before I started recovery, I would have looked at myself in the mirror, seen me as too big and needing to lose weight, and therefore, I would have deemed myself as an unworthy person because of it.
That’s not the case today.
Maybe I don’t have the body I want today, but I am still a good grand daughter, daughter, sister and friend.
My imperfect image of my body can’t take that from me.
Ed is and will try to continue to tell me those things about me are not true because I am not skinny anymore. How can I still think I am a worthy person and not skinny? That is what Ed says.
I see now, that my body and who I am as a person, have nothing to do with each other..it’s.something that has taken me a long time to discover.
My weight is a number. My body is a shape. That’s all they are-numbers and shapes. They are not me.
I am a heart, a soul, a person with dreams and passions, and a person who cares and loves others.
On days that I am hating my body, I will need to focus on loving the person I am on the inside.
That’s what I will need to do today, every time Ed is with me when I look in the mirror.
I am a good person Ed-even without the body you want me to have. So…go away.