Day 190: My Body Is Just A Shape…I Am A Soul

Hello everybody,

Up until about five minutes ago, I was too busy to really think about my body or the way that it looked today.

But now, I had a minute-my first free minute all day, and what did I decide to do with it?

Yup-I decided to stare at myself in the mirror.

And by stare, I mean analyze every single inch of me.

What my arm used to look like, how my legs used to look like in these pants, and how they look now.

How would they look if I took off an inch here or there…using my hands to pinch away the inches.

Standing at different angles…and taking different pictures (my photo cleanse ended a few days ago, and I think after this I need to start a new one).

Why couldn’t I just skip the mirror today?

But, even though I don’t like what I see, it is not destroying me like it used to. I am actually more upset with the fact that I can’t find the compassion within myself to not judge myself so harshly.

I am so caring and compassionate when it comes to caring for other people in my life…why can’t I do it for myself?

But, I will say, that even though I am not happy with how I look today, it doesn’t make me unhappy with who I am as  a person.

Before I started recovery, I would have looked at myself in the mirror, seen me as too big and needing to lose weight, and therefore, I would have deemed myself as an unworthy person because of it.

That’s not the case today.

Maybe I don’t have the body I want today, but I am still a good grand daughter, daughter, sister and friend.

My imperfect image of my body can’t take that from me.

Ed is and will try to continue to tell me those things about me are not true because I am not skinny anymore. How can I still think I am a worthy  person and not skinny? That is what Ed says.

I see now, that my body and who I am as a person, have nothing to do with each other..it’s.something that has taken me a long time to discover.

My weight is a number. My body is a shape. That’s all they are-numbers and shapes. They are not me.

I am a heart, a soul, a person with dreams and passions, and a person who cares and loves others.

On days that I am hating my body, I will need to focus on loving the person I am on the inside.

That’s what I will need to do today, every time Ed is with me when I look in the mirror.

I am a good person Ed-even without the body you want me to have. So…go away.

Hello life.

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Day 189: Exhausted

Hi everyone,

I’m so exhausted I can’t even write a lengthy post today.

I spent the day taking care of my grandma .

Long story short, I could have let this be a way to skip dinner since she wasn’t with me at home when it was dinner time, but I didn’t .

I didn’t because if I don’t feed my body , I can’t be present and mentally and physically able to help my grandma.

So, I took care of myself and therefore, by doing so, I was able to help take care of her.

But I need to honor my body when it tells me I need to rest, so that’s what I’m going home to do right now.

Ed might be strong, but he is not strong enough to succeed in making me weak and unable to care for someone I love, and that’s the reason I stuck to my recovery today, even though I easily could have gotten off track.

Good night and hello life.

Day 188: Back In The Unknown

Hello everyone,

Well, it’s 8 at night my time, and Ed has just started to creep back next to me, so I decided this would be a good time to write.

I thought I was having a good day earlier. By good, I mean that I was sticking to my meal plan, had a late lunch, and therefore, had the opportunity to kind of miss the snack before dinner (Ok, good to Ed-not good to recovery).

Well, dinner came and it passed-and then I had this sweet tooth attack.

And I mean, major sweet tooth attack.

It felt like the feelings of a binge. I haven’t felt these feelings in a long time, and it was scary to re-feel them.

It’s the feeling where your mind and body are craving something so intensely that your hands are reaching for things and your mouth is eating it, but your not even enjoying it. It’s not even tasteful. It’s just an act of impulse.

I let myself have the chocolate, cookie and few other things I was craving, and then I went upstairs to tell my grandma that I felt I was having this sweet tooth attack.

Right away, the urge to binge went away.

Something about saying it out loud and making it a known fact, as opposed to a deep dark secretive feeling I had to keep to myself, made me feel a sense of control again.

So now I feel satisfied with my sweets. A little full, but nothing comparable to a binge or what a binge would feel like.

However, Ed is here now.

As you all know, last week, I decided to not see my nutritionist anymore for many reasons.

Up until today, I have enjoyed not getting a on a scale and I’ve enjoyed not writing all my food down in a food journal.

But right now, with Ed right next to me, I am missing those things.

Maybe if I would look at the long extensive list of sweets that I ate today, it would stop me from doing it again?

How will I know if I really messed up with my food these past two weeks if I don’t stand on a scale and wait for my nutritionist to tell me if I lost or gained weight? (no number of course).

With Ed, the one thing that always kept me sane when he tried to create chaos in my mind, was facts.

If he told me I ate too much food, I immediately weighed myself, so I could know if he was right or not, depending on what I weighed in that minute.

If Ed said I needed to lose weight, I could count calories-solid numbers, no guessing. Pure facts.

Facts are what kept Ed alive for me.

The number on the scale, the amount of calories I ate, the size of my clothes-these facts used to make me feel like I had a sense of control over the repetitive thoughts about food that Ed would plant in my mind.

I don’t have these facts right now and I am longing for them.

But it’s a lose lose situation.

If I have these facts, Ed continues to live on, and I continue to be his victim.

If I don’t have these facts, I sit here in blur and fog and I think about how much I’ve gained or how much I’ve eaten.

No one likes to sit in fog or in blur.

I can’t see in fog.

I can’t be me in fog.

I’m back in the unknown.

That’s really what this fog is.

It’s the unknown.

I haven’t been in the unknown for a while. Last time I was in the unknown was when I first gave up my scale.

I forgot just how much Ed loves to remind me that in a world of unknown, he is the only thing I know.

But that’s not true anymore.

Ed is not the only thing I know, even in this space I am right now filled with unknown fears and doubts.

I might not know what I used to know about my weight, but I do know that I am worth my recovery, even if it means trying to become friends with the unknown; getting to understand it, getting to accept it, and hopefully trusting it.

I’d rather be in the unknown of recovery, than in the known world of Ed…a world of entrapment, sadness and loneliness.

Hello again unknown…and hello life.

Day 187: Too Busy Living

Hello everybody,

I have to be ready to leave my house in less than one hour to go out, and I just now remembered that I forgot to blog today.

Do you know what this means?

This means that I was so busy living life without Ed inside my head all the time , that writing about him just wasn’t as thought about as usual.

It’s actually a pretty amazing thing.

I took care of myself today.

I got my nails done, and I even got a new pair of jeans.

And I didn’t reward myself with these simple acts of self-care because I weighed a certain number today, I did it because I wanted to feel good about myself-a new concept, but one that I like.

These jeans that I bought were a size bigger than all my other jeans-but the fact that I have friends and people to wear them out with, was more important to me than the size.

I bought a new pair of jeans so I can feel good going out with people-the main focus being that I actually enjoy going out now.

A year ago, if I were to only fit in a bigger size jeans like I did today, there would be absolutely no way that I would still go out that night, especially to eat dinner, which is what I am going to do tonight.

I would have stayed home, taken some kind of laxative, and felt miserable until the next morning.

And during the night, I would have weighed myself over and over again to remind myself of why I was home alone and not out having fun.

I wouldn’t have been living then.

I would be only existing in Ed’s world-and a weak existence at that.

I am living now.

I am not staying home tonight because these jeans are a size that Ed does not like.

Instead, I am going out with friends, I am wearing these jeans despite the number on the tag, and I feel good in-and I am going to have a good time.

I used to think that it was impossible to able to live without Ed.

But here I am, living, and loving, and learning how to be without him a little more each day.

Hello to being busy living and hello life.

Day 186: There Are Other Things More Important Than The Way My Body Looked Today

Good evening everyone,

Today’s post is going to be short and to the point, because I am really physically tired today.

I came home really late last night, and I knew I would have a big day ahead of me, helping to take care of my grandma, and also to take some time to catch up on some lost sleep.

So, I cancelled my morning gym session so I could sleep for an extra two hours, and I spent the rest of the day helping my grandma.

Simply stated-these things, such as being there for my family and giving myself an extra hour of sleep instead of working out-are things that are far more important than Ed.

In between helping today, and feeling tired and trying to get some rest in between, I didn’t even make time for myself to stand in the mirror and look at my body for too long.

I did it for  a second-and that was it.

I was too tired to care about what I looked like today, and truthfully, there were just other things that were more important than the way my stomach looked in the mirror this morning.

Resting was more important.

Taking care of my grandma was more important.

I feel good that I was able to help someone who I love today.

It’s a different kind of good feeling than the one I used to get when I used to see that I was  X number on the scale-or that I ate X amount of calories.

It’s a totally different kind of self satisfaction. It’s one I can get used to and it’s one that I like.

Hello life.

Day 185: No Need To Defend, I Know Me.

Hello everyone,

“The difficult part in an argument is not to defend one’s opinion but rather to know it,”  ~André Maurois.

In yesterday’s post, I wrote to you about an argument I had with someone close to me.

They spoke, I spoke, and hurt was caused on both sides.

I am not going to spend today writing about it, but I am going to write about what I learned.

I spent a lot of time yesterday defending my opinion about myself and my feelings, and about my character.

I defended it on this blog, and I defended it to my family and friends.

But then, I read this quote earlier today while browsing on my phone, and I realized, that that was probably my biggest loss yesterday.

It wasn’t a loss that I stood up for myself, because I am glad I did so, but it was a loss to argue and become emotionally drained trying to defend my feelings or who I am, when I already know myself, my feelings, and my opinions about who I am as a person.

I think this is the first time in my life where I am actually secure with who I am.

It’s the first time that I do not feel I need to seek approval from others, or from Ed.

I could have looked to Ed today to help me restrict and feel temporarily better, but I didn’t need to do that.

Ed couldn’t touch me today.

I feel that because I am so in touch with myself, my beliefs and my character, I don’t even need Ed to try to “make me better.”

I am happy with who I am. I am happy with my views of myself. I am happy with my own opinion of myself.

I see now, that that is truly what matters.

It is going to have to be OK with me that other people aren’t always going to be happy with who I am or what I am saying or what I am writing, even if it hard to hear.

I see now, I don’t need to defend my words or myself to anyone.

All I need to do is know myself and where I stand within me.

And I am not just referring to my argument yesterday.

I am referring to the many times in my life where I have fought to seek approval-from Ed, from friends, from teachers, from boss’s, and from family. And if I didn’t get that approval, I defended myself as to why I should get it, or I let Ed come in so I can get approval from him.

Both of those things no longer exist for me anymore.

I don’t need to defend myself. I don’t need approval.

My heart is open to others…their views, and their truths.

But in the end, I have to know my truth the most.

I am content with who I am, and I know my opinion of myself, and that to me, is really what matters.

When I am secure with who I am, I don’t need Ed.

I don’t need a number anymore to tell me how good of a person I am.

I don’t need calorie counts anymore to tell me how disciplined I am.

And I don’t need to fight others about it either.

I only need my core beliefs about who I am-and those, I have worked long and hard to establish.

There is no need for me to harbor any negative energy within myself anymore.

I’m not angry with anyone, and I am not upset anymore.

I understand everyone has their own views, as they should.

I know me-no need to defend it.

The best part is, I am finally getting to know who I am, without a number on some scale attached to it…wow, who knew 6 months ago that would even be possible?

Hello life.

 

Day 184: If You Want To Judge, Go Ahead, I’m Staying True To Myself Anyway

Hi everyone,

Today, my blog was used as a tool to pass judgement on my character and on who I am as a person.

I won’t say the person who is responsible for doing that, since they told me today that calling some people out publicly on my blog is not the right thing to do-so I will just say it is someone very close to me and deeply involved in my life.

According to this person, my blog was angry yesterday because I said “screw food and calories,” and therefore it was “vulgar.”

According to this person, the stronger I get from this eating disorder, the more angry I become…although they are not around  me often, they have concluded this from reading my blog posts and from seeing me every few weeks. They said other people have told them this too, although I have no idea who those other people are.

I am the happiest I have been in my whole life and I now can finally express myself if I feel someone has wronged me-this is not being an angry person, this is me standing up for myself.

According to them, because I felt hurt this weekend by my sister, I am supposedly not a happy person.

Can’t happy people have bad days, where they are hurt or where they just feel like crying?

I am pretty sure they can.

Here’s the worst part, and the part that pains my heart and soul-not only did this person question the words of my blog that are supposed to be used for my truth only, they attacked my character.

“You think your eating disorder is all about you-you, you you-you don’t care about your family and friends who have watched you suffer for years,” is what they said.

This could not be further from the truth.

Since the very beginning of my recovery, I have written about how deeply my eating disorder interfered with my relationships with my loved ones, and how beautiful it is to me to see these relationships blossoming again.

I have written about setting a good example for my younger brothers, and eating with them, even if it makes Ed fight with me like crazy afterwards.

Two days ago, I wrote about how I have been so blessed to be surrounded by so much love in my life, and how I am so grateful that I am in a place in my recovery where I finally feel I deserve to receive that love.

To say that I think this eating disorder is all about me, when I have opened my heart to so many people, and when I go so out of my way to embrace other people in my life, such as going to family dinners and lunches that at times make me uncomfortable, is beyond hurtful.

And as for them saying my blog comes off angry, well, I’m sure it does sometimes.

I was angry with my nutritionist for not respecting my needs, and I have a right to be, and no one should believe that they have the right to tell me otherwise.

People get angry, good for me for sticking up for myself and not resorting to my eating disorder to sooth those feelings.

As them saying this blog was vulgarly written yesterday-it is my blog. First of all, I don’t think saying the word “screw” is vulgar, and secondly, this is my blog and it is my truth, and it really does not matter to me how others perceive my truth.

These are my words, my feelings, and my experiences only-all I can do is share them with who wants to read them.

“If your eating disorder is all about you, then I guess I have no reason to read your blog,” they said to me today.

Well, guess what, this blog is about me.

It’s about my journey and my path to discovering true self acceptance and true happiness-and if someone does not want to read about that, then please don’t.

My eating disorder is not all about me, but it is about my journey to finding true happiness and freedom-and if that means having some angry posts, or some sad posts, or some frustrated posts, then so be it.

Never did I think this blog would become a weapon for someone to use against me in my recovery.

Never did I think it would become something for people to judge me by-or to think they can make assumptions about my character by.

I express my feelings, my struggles, my pain, and my joy on this blog, and it is not supposed to be intended for someone else to judge those feelings or who I am as a person when I write them.

But that did happen today, and it is a sad day because of it.

The saddest part is to hear someone so close to me, tell me that this eating disorder is all about me, when I am one of the most selfless people I know-with family, with friends, and with recovery-nothing has ever been all about me, and I never planned on it to be.

But if you want to judge, go ahead.

I am staying true to myself, to my writing, to my blog, and to my recovery anyway…”hello life.”