Good evening everyone,
Let me just get right into this post-today was a huge day for me in my recovery.
And when I mean huge, I mean major-milestone worthy.
Up until today, I had two rules with Karen, my nutritionist.
Rule number 1: that we decided on the very first day we met, is that even though I don’t look at the scale or the number, that if I ever got to X number, she would tell me I was around that range.
Rule number 2: every week, if I asked her, she would have to be honest with me and tell me if I have gained weight.
For the past 4 months or so, these rules seemed to work.
And of course, I asked almost every time, if I gained or lost weight.
These rules gave me the last bit of control that I thought I needed over my body, at a time when so much of my body was changing, that I could not control.
The rules worked, until they didn’t anymore, and that day was today.
At the very beginning of this blog, I used to write about how Friday’s were my “judgement” days.
Friday mornings were the mornings I would weigh myself and use that number as the final verdict for how my weekend would go-if I would even go to Friday night dinner with my family. It’s how I would judge how productive of a week I had.
Because of these Friday morning weigh-ins, Thursday was always the worst day of my week.
All of Thursday was dedicated to getting that “perfect” number on the scale on Friday.
Thursday night’s I used to meet my grandma for dinner. We always had to go to the same place, where I could order the same plain salad with absolutely nothing on it.
I couldn’t drink water on Thursday.
I couldn’t eat salt on Thursday.
Thursday was hell on Earth.
Well, I see Karen on Monday’s now, and I started to notice, that my Sunday’s were becoming my new Thursdays, and I hated it.
Sunday started being all about “eating healthy” and “cleansing” from the weekend.
Basically, Sunday’s were slowly becaming Ed’s days, not mine.
I also started to think about the fact that if I ever did reach that number Karen and I had agreed she would tell me, it would be just the same as looking at a scale, and that is something I promised not to do for a year, and hopefully for the rest of my life, so that rule no longer works for me either.
I still have no idea what I weigh, or how far or close I was to that range or to that number we decided on 4 months ago, and now, I will never know.
I talked about it with my best friend yesterday, and she agreed with me that this would be the best choice for me.
I talked about it with E today, and she too, agreed.
And then finally, I walked into Karen’s office, and told her myself.
“I don’t want to ever know if I reach that number we talked about, or if I ever get close to it, and I also don’t want you to tell me anymore if I gain weight or lose weight, or anything with weight.”
I had tears in my eyes as I said it.
I just gave up total control of my precious body to someone else.
It was terrifying.
But it was liberating.
I am taking another huge step into truly living in freedom from this eating disorder.
People say that sometimes we need to step outside our comfort zone to see the great things in life.
This isn’t jumping guys.
This isn’t even leaping.
It’s not even running.
It’s full blown, insane, sprinting.
I am sprinting out of my comfort zone.
Scared as hell-terrified-yet willingly sprinting.
There is no other way.
If I didn’t do this today, I would never have done it, and truthfully, it was time.
So, no number ever again. No number range…no hearing if I gained weight, or lost weight.
How will I know now if I had a good week, if I don’t hear I maintained or lost weight?
Or how will I be able to judge myself and tell myself I had a bad week, if I didn’t hear I gained weight?
It will be impossible.
I guess now I can finally judge my week’s based on other things.
For today, let’s start by saying, this has been a good week so far, because I took this major step in my recovery.
I am very proud of myself today.
I didn’t lose control today; I willingly gave it up.
Just how everything else in life seems to never stay the same, neither does my recovery.
The rules have changed.
Ed made those first initial rules with Karen about knowing if I gained weight or not.
But today, I changed them, because Ed’s rules no longer suite me.
Whether we jump, leap, hop, run, or sprint out of our comfort zones, it is never an easy task, yet I am so glad that I did it.
I am on my way to freedom, everyone.