Day 151: Identity

Hi everyone ,

I apologize for such a late night post, but this is the first time I have time to write .

Earlier today I was watching a program on TV with my grandma called Our America that talked about gay people who tried to pray themselves out of being gay .

At the end of the documentary, one of the men who had fought with his identity as a gay man for almost his whole life said something that really hit me.

He said, “I am not just a gay man. I am a gardener, I am a husband, I am a friend, I am even a good decorator, you should hire me.”

All his life he tried to confine himself to one identity , and yet he is so much more than that one identity alone.

I, myself , am so much more than a number or a body.

For my whole life , I thought that a number on a scale or a skinny body was what made up my identity too .

And just like that man, I tried to fit that mold for so long , until I realized on this journey that I am so much more than that .

I am a daughter, granddaughter, sister, friend, and I am a good person .

But what stands out to me the most from all this, is the fact that while we all might be swimming in different parts of the ocean , we are all just trying to make it to the same peaceful shore.

Maybe it’s someone struggling with their sexual identity like that man in the show , maybe it’s someone struggling to find their true inner identity and not base who they are on things like weight and body like me , or maybe it’s someone who just doesn’t even know where to look to find their identity in the first place.

The point is, we are all in this struggle to find true sense of self together .

I am not alone in this journey to self discovery .

There is strength in knowing that we as people do not have to suffer in silence or alone .

I wish that one day I reach a point in my life that my path to recovery has not become a part of my identity , but merely a building block to my foundation of finding true happiness within myself .

For tonight, my identity lied within the company of my grandma and cousin, and not in my eating disorder, and to that I say hello life.

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4 thoughts on “Day 151: Identity

  1. How apt to read this right now, right after my therapy appointment. It ended with my telling my therapist that without the eating disorder I’m nothing. I’ve had it for so many years and it has been the most consistent thing in my life and I’m ridiculously good at it. She is helping me to challenge ED thinking and look at where I value it in my life.

    But yeah, I have to move the other things I am above the ED in my identity like I’m a gardener, amateur arborist, athlete, crocheter, etc. this is an amazing post. I’m so glad I got stuck in the waiting room so I could read it. 🙂

    • You definitely are those things you said like a gardener, athlete and crocheter, and you are an inspirational blogger. Thank you for all your posts, comments and support on a daily basis, its truly amazing

      • “Inspirational blogger”, wow, thanks! You know, even after over a hundred posts, I still am surprised and delighted if someone comments. I absolutely love to write but never think about it being worth reading. I do have a very strong desire though to share what I go through specifically so that others, who don’t have a voice, won’t feel alone, won’t feel like they are the only ones experiencing these things. I have felt alone for so many years going through this that I just hate the idea if others having to go through that.

        I love that even though all of us here live in different parts of the world, we are only a few words and an “enter key” away from feeling understood and not alone.

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