Since I’ve started this blog, I have written a lot about my struggle and fight for freedom from Ed.
The main purpose that I started recovery was purely because I wanted freedom.
I wanted to be free from the obsessive thoughts about calories in and calories out; free from the numbers on a scale; and free from physically being sick and weak all the time.
But mostly, I wanted to be freed from living as a person and as a soul who I did not feel was truly me.
I was constantly being held captive by Ed.
I thought what he wanted me to think. I ate what he wanted me to eat. I only saw people he let me see.
I wasn’t a free person.
Looking back on 148 days ago, it pains me to see the life that I was living.
I believed that being a lower weight, or eating less calories would be my answer to setting me free. But it never was.
I was driving home from school today, and all I could think about was how happy I was that my teacher said I am doing well and how motivated I was to work on my assignments.
I even went grocery shopping today and took time to look through the aisles and actually choose things that I want, without analyzing every single nutrition fact on it.
To some people, going to school or going grocery shopping might not seem like a big deal or anything important, but to me, it was incredible.
I went through a whole day of school without even thinking about foods, calories, or my body. I was focused and determined to be a good student. This is freedom.
Where at one time, only a short 148 days ago, I wouldn’t even have been able to go 30 minutes, nonetheless an entire day without thinking about food in some way, and the fact that I could go hours today without doing so blows me away.
Maybe part of it has to do with the fact that I am not always hungry now, so I can focus on other things.
But maybe part of it is that I see myself now as more than just the number I woke up to weigh today, and therefore, I let myself engage in other activities, such as school.
Being able to walk into a grocery store and not feel overwhelmed by the food, the calories in it, and the temptation to binge on all of it because it was all so dangerous to me, is freedom.
It used to take me almost 2 hours to go basic grocery shopping.
I had to stop and check the label on every single item, even if I knew I wouldn’t buy it.
Then I would think about if that food is low enough in calories or not, or if it would be too tempting to keep in my house.
And by the end of it all, I just got so overwhelmed and never bought anything.
Today wasn’t like that.
Today was a fast 20 minute trip, where I got what I needed and some other unexpected new things along the way.
This is me tasting freedom.
Am I totally indulging in it yet? No.
Am I getting to enjoy every bite of it yet? No.
But I am tasting it.
I am seeing what it feels like to live as someone who is not bound to the 7 pages of food rules I gave up months ago.
I am seeing what it feels like to live as someone who values themselves for what they do and who they are, not on how they look like.
I am seeing what it feels like to enjoy school again.
I am seeing what it feels like to enjoy grocery shopping again.
These are all tiny moments that are beginning to make up minutes and hours of freedom.
One day, this will be the way I live my life: always in freedom.
Tonight I am going to babysit my brothers, where I will be eating dinner with them.
Yup, me, eating dinner with my brothers. Again, what a major freedom from Ed that is.
That would never have happened 6 months ago when I was totally immersed in my eating disorder.
Absolutely no way.
I wouldn’t have been able to see how my step mom made the food, I wouldn’t know the calories, and therefore, that food would not have touched my mouth, and most likely, I probably wouldn’t even go and babysit them because of it.
But guess what? I am going tonight.
I am going because I am finally starting to be free.
I have been praying for this freedom to enter my life ever since the day I started recovery.
Freedom isn’t free.
I gave up the known for the unknown for this freedom.
I gave up my image of the perfect body for a healthy body for this freedom.
I gave up perfection for imperfection for this freedom.
I gave up a 3 year relationship for this freedom.
I had to give up secrecy and isolation for exposure and truth for this freedom.
But it is all so worth it now.
Today I am tasting freedom,but one day, I will be living in freedom, and to that I can say, “hello life.”