Day 143: 514 Deleted Pictures Later…

Good afternoon everyone,

As you know, I told you all yesterday that I am going on a 30 day photo cleanse-meaning no photos of my body for 30 days. It also meant that I had to delete all the current photos of my body in my phone.

I spent two hours last night deleting every single one of those body images from my phone. I am still shocked on how many there were.

I started with 1,000 pictures, and now I am left with 486.

That means that 514 pictures in my phone were taken while I was in the arms of Ed.

It means 514 times that not only did I feel the need to criticize myself, but that I felt the need to document it so I can refer to it later.

514 times of self cruelty.

514 times of judgement.

It was hard for me to go back and delete these photos. The more I went back in time, the skinnier my body in my pictures became. To know that I won’t ever be there again, was sad and hard for me to accept.

I didn’t feel the need to stare at any of the pictures too long, as I know each and every single one of them all to well already.

I felt I was blinding myself from what I “really” look like, by deleting these new photos and not comparing them to my old “skinny” photos.

But nonetheless, I did it.

I did it because I don’t deserve to judge myself, my body, or my recovery because of the way a photo turned out.

I didn’t wake up today and introduce myself as “photo number 987 in Shira’s phone, yeah, the one where she looks skinny in the black jeans.”

I am not a stupid photo.

I woke up today as me.

And I woke up today, and didn’t take a picture of myself in the mirror as I was getting dressed.

This felt very similar to the first time that I woke up and didn’t run to my scale to weigh myself. It felt liberating and free.

I have to constantly remind myself latley that I am not a number, I am not just a body in a photo, and I am not Ed’s friend anymore.

I am strength.

I am courage.

I am self care.

I am recovery.

I am soul, and I am beauty.

Together, my new traits and I will grow to be bigger and stronger than Ed, bigger and stronger than the scale, and bigger and stronger than a camera.

And when I say bigger, I mean from within. My courage and strength will get bigger than ever before.

Day 1 of the photo cleanse has been a blessing so far, and I am proud of myself for making the choice to go through with this.

Hello to waking up as myself and not as a photo on my phone, and hello life.

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2 thoughts on “Day 143: 514 Deleted Pictures Later…

  1. Amaziing post đŸ™‚ Thankyou.

    I am finding it difficult because my counsellor has suggested that I find photos where I like my body/appearance and take them to my session. I don’t want to do this because I just compare any photos I like with the way I perceive my body now.

    Grrr

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