Good afternoon everyone,
As you know, I told you all yesterday that I am going on a 30 day photo cleanse-meaning no photos of my body for 30 days. It also meant that I had to delete all the current photos of my body in my phone.
I spent two hours last night deleting every single one of those body images from my phone. I am still shocked on how many there were.
I started with 1,000 pictures, and now I am left with 486.
That means that 514 pictures in my phone were taken while I was in the arms of Ed.
It means 514 times that not only did I feel the need to criticize myself, but that I felt the need to document it so I can refer to it later.
514 times of self cruelty.
514 times of judgement.
It was hard for me to go back and delete these photos. The more I went back in time, the skinnier my body in my pictures became. To know that I won’t ever be there again, was sad and hard for me to accept.
I didn’t feel the need to stare at any of the pictures too long, as I know each and every single one of them all to well already.
I felt I was blinding myself from what I “really” look like, by deleting these new photos and not comparing them to my old “skinny” photos.
But nonetheless, I did it.
I did it because I don’t deserve to judge myself, my body, or my recovery because of the way a photo turned out.
I didn’t wake up today and introduce myself as “photo number 987 in Shira’s phone, yeah, the one where she looks skinny in the black jeans.”
I am not a stupid photo.
I woke up today as me.
And I woke up today, and didn’t take a picture of myself in the mirror as I was getting dressed.
This felt very similar to the first time that I woke up and didn’t run to my scale to weigh myself. It felt liberating and free.
I have to constantly remind myself latley that I am not a number, I am not just a body in a photo, and I am not Ed’s friend anymore.
I am strength.
I am courage.
I am self care.
I am recovery.
I am soul, and I am beauty.
Together, my new traits and I will grow to be bigger and stronger than Ed, bigger and stronger than the scale, and bigger and stronger than a camera.
And when I say bigger, I mean from within. My courage and strength will get bigger than ever before.
Day 1 of the photo cleanse has been a blessing so far, and I am proud of myself for making the choice to go through with this.
Hello to waking up as myself and not as a photo on my phone, and hello life.