Day 139: Fearless Courage

Hello everyone,

As you may know by now, on Sunday mornings I wake up and watch a pastor named Joel Osteen on TV.

Despite the fact that I am Jewish, he speaks a lot about the power of positive thinking and believing in a power higher than ourselves, and that is what I really like about his messages.

Anyway, today as I was watching his sermon, he said something about people needing to have something called fearless courage.

He said that if we have the courage to believe that everything happens for a reason, then we should have no fears about it.

I really thought about this statement all day, and I decided that I really don’t agree with him-at least not for my situation.

For me, I feel like right now, especially these past two days where I have had a very hard time accepting my body and not judging myself for eating things that I really like, fearless courage does not make sense.

I have so many fears right now. A ton actually.

Fear about the food I am eating, fear about the new foods I am not used to, fear of calories, fear of weight gain, fear of how recovery will continue to change my life…my list can go on and on.

But even with these fears present in my life, I am still dedicated to staying true to my recovery.

I am still dedicated to fighting Ed until I am totally free of his wrath.

I am still dedicated to treating myself as kindly as possible.

I am never going to turn my back on myself and my recovery-even though the fears that come with it feel so immense right now…to me, this is the definition of courage.

In my eyes, I see courage as being defined by someone who faces a challenge even with fears trying to stop them.

I am so full of courage.

This thing that Joel said , fearless courage, is an oxymoron to me.

I am fearful, yet I push forward, and that is what makes me courageous.

Today hasn’t been easy, and I don’t feel like talking about all my body insecurities right now, because sometimes, even I get sick of writing about it.

But I will say, that I was tempted to try on all my clothes again, but I didn’t. I was tempted to restrict today because I am seeing my nutritionist tomorrow, but I didn’t.

Again, I showed courage today in the face of fear.

This is recovery. Courage in spite of fear is recovery.

Hello to being courageous and hello life.

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