Day 137: Eating Pancakes

Good afternoon everyone,

If you remember, about two or three weeks ago, Karen, (my nutritionist), gave me an assignment that she wanted me to eat one meal of whatever I truly wanted.

When I told this to E, (my therapist), she asked me what food came to my mind.

I thought about it for a few days, and the one thing that I kept thinking about were pancakes.

Pancakes are one of my most “unsafe,” foods for obvious reasons-and I never ever let myself eat them when I was living in my eating disorder.

Because those few weeks when I got my assignment from Karen were so hectic, I never got around to having that meal of pancakes, until this morning with E.

We planned last Friday, that today, she and I would go share pancakes together.

Last night, I went out to dinner with my brother, and we ate a lot of food.

We had the most amazing time though. We bonded, shared stories and I got to truly fill my shoes as a sister. But nonetheless, it was a lot of food.

So when this morning rolled around and I met E for our pancakes, I told her that it wasn’t the best morning for it.

But we made the plan, and I really wanted to go through this experience with her.

At the beginning of the meal, she could sense my anxiety.

Eating pancakes were something so new to me; something I haven’t done before in recovery.

Actually, eating breakfast out with someone is something I have hardly done in recovery, other than the one time I had breakfast with my mom for Mother’s Day.

I felt hungry, so it wasn’t that I didn’t want to eat; I was just fearful of something new.

But at the same time, I felt so thankful to be with someone like E, who wasn’t judging me as I was eating;.

She wasn’t watching me to see how much I ate; she told me she just wanted to share this meal with me, and that was a beautiful thing

So, we got the pancakes.

At first, it looked like mine was the biggest pancake I have ever seen.

But as we started eating, and talking, and amazingly enjoying-the pancake wasn’t so big anymore, and it tasted really really good.

Woo hoo! I ate a pancake. Not a whole pancake-but who cares-a pancake.

I ate a food that Ed told me I didn’t deserve to eat.

E and I stomped on Ed today.

And as the meal progressed, I started to feel happy.

I was happy I could actually have breakfast with someone, outside at a restaurant; it was such a huge step for me.

I was happy that I enjoyed it.

I was happy I listened to my body when it was full.

I was just a happy person in that moment.

Before today, I couldn’t even remember the last time I ate a pancake. It was at least over a year ago.

That makes me really sad.

How sad it is that I don’t remember eating something that I love so much.

I am not saying I should go and eat pancakes everyday, but I do not want a whole year to go by again where I deprive myself of something I like, because I truly feel that I deserve to treat myself well.

Today was an amazing step in my recovery for many reasons.

1-I let myself eat something I truly had been wanting for a long time-and I enjoyed it, and more so, I felt I deserved it.

2-I faced a fear, sat through it, walked through it, and conquered it

3-I gained a little bit more trust within myself that I can eat what I want, and listen to my hunger cues when I am hungry and full-and that is a pretty cool thing to be able to do.

But, the best part about this whole experience of eating pancakes, was who it was with.

I did it with the safest person in my world-and because of her, this experience became one filled with hope and inspiration, instead of anxiety and fear.

I am looking forward to eating many more pancakes and whatever else my gracious body will tell me it wants.

Hello to eating pancakes, and hello life.

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