Good afternoon everyone,
If you remember, about two or three weeks ago, Karen, (my nutritionist), gave me an assignment that she wanted me to eat one meal of whatever I truly wanted.
When I told this to E, (my therapist), she asked me what food came to my mind.
I thought about it for a few days, and the one thing that I kept thinking about were pancakes.
Pancakes are one of my most “unsafe,” foods for obvious reasons-and I never ever let myself eat them when I was living in my eating disorder.
Because those few weeks when I got my assignment from Karen were so hectic, I never got around to having that meal of pancakes, until this morning with E.
We planned last Friday, that today, she and I would go share pancakes together.
Last night, I went out to dinner with my brother, and we ate a lot of food.
We had the most amazing time though. We bonded, shared stories and I got to truly fill my shoes as a sister. But nonetheless, it was a lot of food.
So when this morning rolled around and I met E for our pancakes, I told her that it wasn’t the best morning for it.
But we made the plan, and I really wanted to go through this experience with her.
At the beginning of the meal, she could sense my anxiety.
Eating pancakes were something so new to me; something I haven’t done before in recovery.
Actually, eating breakfast out with someone is something I have hardly done in recovery, other than the one time I had breakfast with my mom for Mother’s Day.
I felt hungry, so it wasn’t that I didn’t want to eat; I was just fearful of something new.
But at the same time, I felt so thankful to be with someone like E, who wasn’t judging me as I was eating;.
She wasn’t watching me to see how much I ate; she told me she just wanted to share this meal with me, and that was a beautiful thing
So, we got the pancakes.
At first, it looked like mine was the biggest pancake I have ever seen.
But as we started eating, and talking, and amazingly enjoying-the pancake wasn’t so big anymore, and it tasted really really good.
Woo hoo! I ate a pancake. Not a whole pancake-but who cares-a pancake.
I ate a food that Ed told me I didn’t deserve to eat.
E and I stomped on Ed today.
And as the meal progressed, I started to feel happy.
I was happy I could actually have breakfast with someone, outside at a restaurant; it was such a huge step for me.
I was happy that I enjoyed it.
I was happy I listened to my body when it was full.
I was just a happy person in that moment.
Before today, I couldn’t even remember the last time I ate a pancake. It was at least over a year ago.
That makes me really sad.
How sad it is that I don’t remember eating something that I love so much.
I am not saying I should go and eat pancakes everyday, but I do not want a whole year to go by again where I deprive myself of something I like, because I truly feel that I deserve to treat myself well.
Today was an amazing step in my recovery for many reasons.
1-I let myself eat something I truly had been wanting for a long time-and I enjoyed it, and more so, I felt I deserved it.
2-I faced a fear, sat through it, walked through it, and conquered it
3-I gained a little bit more trust within myself that I can eat what I want, and listen to my hunger cues when I am hungry and full-and that is a pretty cool thing to be able to do.
But, the best part about this whole experience of eating pancakes, was who it was with.
I did it with the safest person in my world-and because of her, this experience became one filled with hope and inspiration, instead of anxiety and fear.
I am looking forward to eating many more pancakes and whatever else my gracious body will tell me it wants.
Hello to eating pancakes, and hello life.