Day 132: Flicking The Domino

Hi everybody,

So, let’s just jump right into this-last night, I had my first ever tarot reading.

My friends thought I was crazy for wanting to do it, but something just urged me to go for it. What was the worst that could happen?

The reading was about 20 minutes long, so I will sum up here the most important parts of it.

She told me that I have invisible ropes of love that attach me to others, but there are knots in my rope, because I cannot truly connect with these people, until I love myself first-and that is what I am lacking in.

Crazy, right?

This lady had no idea that I am on this journey of learning to love and accept myself, yet there she was, explaining it to me better than anyone else.

The next thing she told me were that the lines in my hands had shown her that boundaries in my life have been crossed by other people, and that I need to start setting my own boundaries.

Ever since I have started recovery, setting boundaries with those around me has been one of my most challenging tasks, but it is something I am getting more comfortable with everyday.

Lastly and most importantly, the last  two things she told me really left me speechless.

The last thing I had to do in the reading was choose 3 cards.

The first card said I was on a learning journey (makes sense, but nothing to expand on further).

When I chose the second card, she said this:

“This card is the weakest king of all. He is weak because he is so worried about making others happy, that he forgets about himself. He is the king of the “I should have, and I could have.”

Then she told me, “You need to let this King go. Forget what you should be doing and could be doing, and just be. Let go of being perfect, and just be. You want freedom,  yet you still want control.”

Wow.

Ok, for those of you who read this blog everyday, you know exactly how on point she was when she said that.

I am always my own harshest critic.

I always say that I should do school better, recovery better, family better-anything better-I am never satisfied with myself.

To hear someone else tell me, that it is time to put myself first, and not judge myself for the way I do things, was eye opening.

Also, to hear her say that I want freedom, yet control, was a profound statement within itself.

Never have I thought about that before-I am fighting for my freedom from Ed, yet I so badly wish I can control Ed-and that I can control my body; I saw yesterday, they won’t both fit in my life.

Freedom has to the ultimate winner.

Finally, the last card I chose is where I got the title for this blog post.

When I picked this last card, she said:

“This card is the card of rapid change. It mean’s you implemented a huge change in your life, but the changes are now happening so fast, that you are trying to resist them. You can use your energy to direct these changes for the positive, or you can keep resisting them and make it negative.”

I was stunned.

Yes. I did make huge changes in my life by choosing to recover from my eating disorder, and yes, the changes that come with it, such as within my body, my social circle and my perception about myself and life are changing at a pace that lately feels too rapid.

I write a lot about how I wish I can stop these things from changing, but I know I can’t, and this lady just confirmed it.

Final conclusion: change is inevitable.

The last thing she said to me was,

“These changes are going to be like a domino effect-one after the other. The dominoes are going to fall either way, so if I were you, I would get up and flick that first domino yourself-don’t resist it anymore.”

Do I need to say more?

This woman, who I never even met, basically just summed up what I need to do for the next step in my journey to full recovery.

I need to stand strong, embrace these changes that I began 132 days ago, and flick that domino and just go with it.

I hope that with each change, comes a little bit more of self love-and with that self love, those knots in my invisible ropes that connect me to others will slowly dissipate.

What other choice do I have, right?

These changes are coming. I started them. I made them. I worked for them-and now, I need to embrace them.

I have no fear.

I am flicking this domino, and I will ride each wave of change as best I can, until I reach the shore.

Hello to this domino effect of changes, and hello life.

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One thought on “Day 132: Flicking The Domino

  1. Looks like its High Tide! Better grab your boogie board and jump in and hold on! Sometimes (most of the time) when I first go into the ocean I’m always afraid of what’s in the water that may bite me. But I’ve learned as I’ve grown that if there’s something there worrying about it not only won’t stop it from biting me (it actually could draw it closer to me), but it is taking away the wonderful feeling of being in the water because you can’t feel fear and joy at the same time. So I’ve learned now to acknowledge my fear, get it out of the way and accept worrying isn’t going to make something not happen and then move on to enjoying being in the ocean.
    Hope as those waves hits or dominoes fall you too can accept your fears and then enjoy the ride! xo

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