Day 130: A Bittersweet Day

Hi everyone,

What a day today is .

I am getting ready to take my twin sister to the airport in about 30 minutes, where she will leave on a plane to Barcelona to study abroad for 6 weeks.

I knew this day would come for months now, and I was trying not to think about it.

Monique, my sister, has truly been my rock throughout my recovery. On my bad days, she knows what to say.

When she sees me trying on all my clothes, she knows how to get me to stop.

When I start rambling on about how much food I just ate, she puts things in perspective and brings me out of Ed’s world and back into the present moment.

But most importantly, she reminds me all the time that I am perfect the way I am-outside and inside.

She loves me for me, unconditionally, all the time, 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.

Between Monique and I, I have always been the type A go-getter kind of person, and she has been the laid back and easy going person. We balance each other out.

She has spent a lot of time in her life pleasing others and trying to make people happy, and over the past year, I have seen her grown into this amazing strong woman who puts herself first.

This journey that she is about to take is almost like my journey that I am on with my recovery; she is going to start the journey to standing on her own two feet and starting to find herself.

She can’t do this with me there (although I wish she could, because I am protective of her and think I know everything about will make her happy , even though I don’t), but she can’t.

Just how I need to stand on my own two feet and fight Ed, my sister needs to take this journey on her own too.

I am happy for her, but sad for myself, and that is why today is bittersweet.

I have not done recovery without Monique yet.

She was there before I even told anyone I was battling with an eating disorder; for a year, she was the only one who knew-and despite her fear for my health, she kept my secret safe until I was ready to tell my family.

She was the first person I told that I want to get help.

She protected me when others would say triggering comments in the beginning of my recovery; she was my shield, and in the process, I have become her inspiration.

I will never forget the first day I had to follow my first meal plan during recovery.

I didn’t know how I could do it.

Monique came that day-in the middle of the afternoon-and sat down and ate lunch with me.

I am about to cry as I think back on that moment right now.

I am not sure if she knows, but that first lunch, was one of my hardest meals,and after I was able to conquer it, I felt I could do dinner.

If not for Monique, who knows if I would have had the strength to complete my first day on my meal plan?

Here  I am, 130 days into recovery, and there has not been one day that she has not been my number one supporter.

I hope to take this time that she is away, to continue to transform myself into a victor and not a victim of Ed-into a champion, into a survivor, and above all, into a person who loves herself.

I will continue on my journey , and my sister will begin hers.

To my dearest sister-thank you for being my hope, faith, strength, and love during these 130 days-I am forever grateful. I am excited for this new journey for you, and all the new lessons it will teach you.

It won’t be easy to do recovery without my sister, but I know she is with me in spirit.

Part of my recovery is learning to let those who I have taken care of for so long, and often times, put before myself, to venture out on their own-and that is what I am doing with my sister leaving to Spain.

Hello to continuing my journey, hello to my sister beginning hers, and hello life.

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4 thoughts on “Day 130: A Bittersweet Day

  1. Shira, This is a big bump in the road to recovery but time passes so quickly and cell phones let you keep in close contact.
    You are proving to be so strong with the ability to analyze situations which pop up. Keep doing what you’ve been doing, spending time with friends, eating for fun, enjoying your younger brothers. Ask a close friend to be your Monique while she’s gone—a temporary sister who looks out for you, supports you and is there when you need her. It could help pass the time and provide a distraction for you. Remember all your supporters are still here to lend extra support and are with you in spirit every day.

  2. Shira, that was so beautiful! This is such a growth opportunity for both you and Monique. You are both on your own journeys and will have so many new experiences to share with each other. She will still be your strength, but in a different way now… she will be with you internally. You have internalized her messages to you. You have her in your head and know exactly what she would tell you. Use that when you are having a hard time. “What would Monique tell me?” And it will come to you… And now you have also come so much further since the beginning of your recovery and have so many new coping strategies, supports, friends, and lots of family to support you. And, best of all, Monique is always a phone call away! 🙂 So now a new and different journey begins for you, within the journey that you are on. Embrace that and grow from that too. I love you. Like your mom says, you are both so blessed to have each other and such a special relationship! xoxo

  3. That was sooo sweet ! Wow made me cry I love you soo much . Like auntie Norine said I will till be with you internally call me face time! And txt I already miss you , you’re soo strong and continue to be the best you that you are love you you’re words mean the world to me:)

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