Today was not my easiest day in terms of Ed thoughts about the way I look-but it was however,a very successful day for me and my recovery because I was stronger than Ed today.
There were three times today that I chose to stay true to myself and my recovery and not stay true to Ed.
The first time was when I was sitting in class and it was 10:30 a.m. and I was hungry. I didn’t understand why because it wasn’t time for me to eat, and I was even upset that I was hungry.
I thought about what to do for about 30 minutes, and finally, I decided that if my body was asking for food,I am going to honor that.
Ed told me to get coffee.
But I told myself to get a snack, and I did.
Secondly, I was meeting my friend to go shopping, and she asked if I had eaten lunch. I didn’t eat lunch yet, I only ate that snack at 10:30 am.
Ed so badly wanted me to tell her I ate lunch so we could compensate for our extra snack.
She totally would have trusted me, and I could have gotten out of the whole situation of eating.
But, I didn’t do that. I was honest with her and with myself, and I told her I didn’t eat yet, so we went to eat together.
Lastly, when we were shopping, I chose a pair of jeans to try on, in my new healthier size.
I am not so happy about that size, but the point is, I chose it.
I didn’t choose my size from when I was sick and restricting.
However, the sales person seemed to think that I was a smaller size than the one I took (totally feeding Ed).
Even though I told him over and over that the pants he chose would not fit me, he insisted he put it in my dressing room anyway.
The very first thing I did when I got into that dressing room was take the three jeans that he chose that were two sizes too small and gave them to my friend so I would not try them on.
Seriously, go me. Go me, go me, go me.
That was probably one of the biggest acts of self care and recovery I think I have ever done.
I could easily have tried on those jeans and saw that they don’t fit anymore.
They could have triggered me. They could have destroyed me. Or maybe they couldn’t have? Who knows?
It doesn’t matter-the fact is, I know that it would not have been a smart choice.
For whatever reason, I was faced with many tests today about my recovery, and it was not on a day that I felt good about myself.
The pants I was wearing were significantly tighter than when I wore them 2 weeks ago, and I wasn’t in the greatest place, but I stayed true to my recovery anyway.
I am getting stronger, despite Ed’s voice being stronger lately too.
I’m really proud of myself for taking such good care of myself today.
I even bought a shirt today that says, “strong is beautiful.”
Yup, strong is beautiful.
That shirt doesn’t say that skinny is beautiful, it doesn’t say that Ed is beautiful and it doesn’t say that the number on the scale is beautiful.
Strong is what it says, and that is what I am.
Hello to being strong and hello life.