Good morning everyone,
Last night, I read an article that my aunt had sent me, and the very first line was, “I am a recovering perfectionist.”
Long story short, it was about a woman telling her story about how she grew up always being a perfectionist, and eventually, the fear of not being perfect cost her many opportunities that life gave her.
She didn’t have an eating disorder, but she suffered from what I think many people with eating disorders such as myself, suffer from; and that is the strive for perfection.
Perfection is what keeps Ed alive, at least for me.
Perfection, or the idea that the way I am is not good enough, is what kept Ed and I so closely connected for so many years, and now, it is the one thing that is still keeping me close to him.
Even though I try to strive for progress and not perfection, that perfectionist inside of me is still alive, and lately, she has been resurfacing herself when it comes to my body.
For whatever reason, I still wake up every morning and walk to my mirror, in hopes of seeing this “perfect” body when I do my body check.
I never found this so called perfect body when I was fully immersed in my eating disorder and at my lowest weight, and I sure as hell am not going to find it now, and I know exactly why.
I won’t find it now because I am stuck looking for perfection, and I do not even know what that looks like, so how can I be searching for something that I don’t even know what it looks like?
Secondly, as I am writing this post, I am realizing that I’ll never find perfection because the concept of perfection does not exist in my world anymore.
My idea of perfection is that I am not good enough just the way I am-and that idea, is no longer allowed to exist in my life.
I want to find perfection in being imperfect; (not sure if that made sense, I will try to explain).
What if the closest thing to perfection is finding beauty in not being perfect?
What if perfection means finding happiness in the gray areas between success and failure; in the gray areas between faith and doubt; and in the gray areas between confidence and insecurity?
Let me say this out loud to Ed once and for all: I know I will never have your idea of a perfect body, and for now, my idea of a perfect body as well. I know, I know, I know-it just won’t happen. I get it.
I so get it. It has sunk in.
But I do have hope that my idea of a “perfect” body can change. It can transform itself from being Ed’s image to my image.
An image where imperfect is perfect.
I want the word acceptance to replace perfection.
I am taking a giant leap of faith here by telling myself that I will one day truly accept my body for being what it is, and for not being perfect.
It won’t happen today, but its something that is in the process of happening and I can see it planted in my future.
Today is day 1 of trying to be an acceptionist, (my own made up word for accepting myself-I know, it’s corny, but whatever) and not a perfectionist.
Let’s just give it a try.
Goodbye to striving for perfectionism and hello to striving for being enough just as I am, and hello life.