As you all know, last night was my cousin’s Bat Mitzvah.
I wrote in yesterday’s post how I was dedicated to staying present and enjoying this event with my family and not let Ed ruin it for me.
Well, I’m always honest in my posts, and today’s will be no different, even though, this time, it is very hard for me to admit that from the minute I put my dress on at home, up until the beginning of the party last night , I was not present.
I would like to tell myself over and over that it was my dress that made me look big, or my dress that pulled at certain areas of my body that I don’t like, but I feel I would be lying to myself.
I really just think that now I am able to really see the physical changes to my body and the weight that I’ve gained and it’s hard to see that.
It’s hard to see it because I am not used to it, and I don’t like it, at least not yet.
Anyways, when we got to the temple, my family and I were taking photos.
All I could think about was how much my stomach was showing in every picture.
I didn’t even care about how other people looked or what was going on around me, I was only concerned with what I looked like in those photos.
I was so so tangled and twisted up in a tight ball with Ed during those photos, it gives me chills when I think about it.
I was literally locked inside Ed’s arms. It was so sad and frustrating because I didn’t want to be there, yet at the same time, I couldn’t get away even if I wanted to.
I was sucked into this place of darkness and circles and repetition of just looking at each picture over and over and analyzing each one.
I pretty much was about to give up on having a good night, when the Rabbi leading the temple service told everyone to say a silent prayer for what they want.
On Friday night, we had a chance to say this prayer too, and I prayed for other people in my life.
I pray to God every night actually, but I never pray for myself; I pray for others’ health and happiness.
Last night, I knew that I needed to use this prayer for myself.
I closed my eyes and I prayed for the courage to love myself and my body at that moment, and that night, and in my future.
I prayed for the inner strength to leave Ed, and I prayed to be free of him.
It was a short prayer; maybe only about 2 minutes. But it was 2 minutes that I took just to ask for strength for myself. It felt like forever.
But after I was done, I felt a sense of calm and strength come over me. Something inside me was ready to let go of all the obsessive photo taking, and ready to enjoy my night.
It wasn’t that this self hatred of my body was gone; it was that Ed and I were going to put it off until a later date-another time.
After that, I did enjoy the night. It was filled with family and love and it was truly beautiful.
This morning Ed is already awake and he is begging me to go back through all our pictures again. I won’t lie, I already did that a few times, but I am stopping now.
I truly want to learn to love my body. I am yearning for it. I so badly have this strong desire to be happy with myself just the way I am.
So, I was thinking to myself, that just because I said that prayer last night, doesn’t mean I can’t say it again today, especially since I need it.
But this time, when I pray for myself, I also will continue to pray for others who are dealing with their own Ed’s, and I don’t only mean eating disorders .
Everyone has some kind of “ed” in their life.
I don’t think our “ed’s” ever truly go away or leave us alone, but we can however, become stronger than them.
Ed was stronger than me yesterday for a little bit, but afterwards, I shut him down and I took back my power.
I will pray for that strength again today, because I truly need it and I want it.
I deserve it.
We all deserve to be our own most powerful sources of inner strength, so we can each find light in the middle of our darkness.
Here is my prayer:
I pray for the inner strength to love myself today.
I pray for the courage and bravery it takes to leave such a familiar world of self criticism and doubt and the knowledge to know that this world of freedom is so much better.
I pray for others who are battling with darkness in their lives like me, and who are waiting for their light to find them.
I pray for truth and for inspiration, so I can continue on my path to recovery.
I end this prayer with the one saying that reminds me of why I am praying for all this strength to leave Ed in the first place, and that is my life.