Good morning everyone,
Today is a big day in my family because my cousin, the youngest of our family, is having her Bat Mitzvah.
For Jewish people, a Bat Mitzvah is the first milestone in a person’s life. It’s when they are supposed to step into adulthood.
Having this event this weekend was something that I knew was coming for months, and at one time, it was gave me major anxiety because it was so heavily centered around food and people; the two things that Ed hates for me to be around.
But I told myself yesterday, and I even told my aunt at the dinner table yesterday as well, that I will not let Ed take me away from being present for this huge milestone for my cousin, and this beautiful time for me to be with my family.
I know that it will be hard today, as it already was yesterday when I hated looking at pictures of myself when I got home.
I know it might not be easy to put on my dress and feel amazing in it, and I know it will be hard to not take 1,000 pictures and analyze each one at every different angle.
But the point is, if I do all those things, and stay inside my world with Ed, I won’t be able to enjoy the beauty in the real world today.
When I am in my eating disordered world, it seems like the way I feel and look is all that matters; that it literally is like a huge dark cloud that just pours over the universe.
I can’t see past my body and food.
When I step outside that dark world, and step into reality-into the real world that is waiting for me without Ed-none of that really matters.
What matters is what is next to me in that present moment; the people who are surrounding me, the laughs that are being created, the love that is being emitted-and above all, it’s the relationships that I am a part of that I love so much.
I told my aunt yesterday, that I so badly want to be present for this weekend, and so far, I have been, and I will continue to do so.
I love being present , especially when I am around my family, because it feels like the real me is there, and not the me that is engulfed in Ed.
When I am there without Ed-I’m funny, I’m smiling all the time and I’m full of positive light. When Ed comes, I get quiet, distant and emotionally disconnected.
I ate an amazing dinner with my family last night, and tonight I will do the same-while dancing, and loving the people around me, and loving myself for being able to be so present even during a time when Ed does not want me to be.
I love myself today for being able to step outside my world with Ed, and being able to step into life.
I love myself for being able to be present and to put my feelings about myself or how I look aside and remember that today isn’t about me and my body or me and my feelings, it’s about my cousin and our family and I can’t wait to celebrate that with them.
And also the fact that my mom is here helps me too, since for whatever reason, when she is around, Ed goes into hiding. It’s like he knows he is no match for her.
Usually I am a big believer in putting myself first, as my recovery has taught me that I need to be my first priority-but today, recovery is teaching me another lesson.
Recovery is teaching me the gifts of being present.
When I am present, regardless of my own insecurities, I am able to embrace other people’s joys and triumphs, and not let Ed take me away from being a part of that.
I am present right now and I am dedicated to staying so the rest of the day.
Anyway, my day is beginning, and this Bat Mitzvah is starting, and I can’t be more proud to be a part of it.
I can only wish that as my cousin becomes a young woman, she remembers the biggest lesson that my recovery has taught me so far: that she is always, always, enough, just the way she is.
Hello to celebrating this milestone with my family, hello to being present for it ,and hello life.