This morning when I woke up I felt absolutely disgusting. I am coming off a few days of heavy eating and I think my body just reached its point of discomfort.
I wasn’t in the greatest mood, but I decided to let myself ride these feeling out and see what happens after I worked out with my trainer Kim, and after I had some time to step outside myself and see the bigger picture; a strategy that works well for me.
One of the biggest things that really hit me as I was driving to the gym, was that feeling uncomfortable in my body today and feeling big, were just feelings.
I can acknowledge that they are there, but truly, that is the only thing I can do.
I can’t make them go away, I can’t fix them by restricting , and I can’t go back and try to re-do yesterday or the day before.
The fact that I didn’t even think about restricting today when I felt this discomfort, was a huge deal for me and it showed me something about recovery that I didn’t think about before.
It showed me that recovery is truly a complete and total lifestyle change.
I knew that recovery would be life changing and life altering, but never had I thought about it as a lifestyle change.
When I was still living in my eating disorder, I would have fixed these feelings of feeling “big” or uncomfortable by restricting food or by purging my body of its essential nutrients.
But today, when that wasn’t even an option in my mind, it dawned on me, that that lifestyle of restricting and purging is no longer an option for me; it is no longer my lifestyle.
Instead, I chose to acknowledge how I am feeling, and simply let them be there, and continue on with my day.
I worked out with Kim, truthfully the only person who I can trust with my recovering body.
She somehow knows how to make my body feel strong and energized without making Ed come out and make it into something unhealthy and excessive. Thank God for her.
Anyway, here is the place I am now, post work out with Kim and post realizing that I’ve made a huge lifestyle change:
This is my new lifestyle.
I won’t always feel great in my body, and I will have days where I don’t eat the healthiest or greatest things, and that is OK, because that is life. We gain weight, we lose weight, we go up, we go down-and feelings go along with that.
On the days that I am not feeling great , such as today, I know the best treatment is to treat myself with self compassion and love. To feed myself good food that can fuel my body, and even food that isn’t good, but food that I want.
I know to trust in my recovery team and to reach out to them when I need them.
Today, Kim was the one who I needed, and she was came and pulled me through my morning rut.
Halleluiah for this new lifestyle comprised of self love and self care.
I don’t even feel as bad or uncomfortable now as I did this morning, and this is even after eating.
The more I show love to myself, the more my eating disordered world shrinks and the more my world of freedom from Ed evolves.
Goodbye to my old eating disordered lifestyle, and hello to a lifestyle of self compassion, self care, self love and above all, hello life.