Day 122: This Is My Life, Not A Dress Rehearsal

Good afternoon all,

I have a lot to update you all on, but let me start with how last night’s dinner went.

Truthfully, it could not have gone any better. I loved every part about making the food, and I loved eating it and actually enjoying it as well. Here is a picture of what I made:

dinner

It was a very different and new experience to eat  food that I have cooked, but it was more comfortable than uncomfortable, and I am grateful for that.

However, when I went to see Karen today (my nutritionist), I told myself I would not ask her anything about my weight.

Karen would never tell me what I weigh, as that is the whole point of a year without a scale, but sometimes, if I ask, she will tell me if I’ve gained or maintained.

I said I wouldn’t ask her anything today because I know I have been eating out every single day with friends and eating foods I normally would not eat (rich, yummy, not completely healthy foods).

Well, to cut straight to the point-I did ask her, and she told me I gained 1.1 pounds.

To be honest, this wasn’t as bad as I expected.

I was disappointed, but at the same time,relieved it was not more, since I expected much more.

When Karen saw my disappointment, she said to me what she always says, “you are living your life Shira. Your living, going out with friends, your living life, who cares about the weight.”

And then she said one of the most profound and true statements I think I have ever heard in my recovery so far.

She said, “I  personally love my life. I love to go out and eat. This is my life, it’s not a dress rehearsal.”

This really struck me in such a positive way.

Karen is right-we all only have one life, and it is not a fake one-this is it-the real deal, and we only get one chance to live it.

I would take this 1.1 pounds and the fun new social experiences that came with it any day over sitting at home alone and not gaining this 1 pound.

At first I told myself, “Ok ,Shira, it’s just this one week that has been crazy. You’ve gone out a lot, you cooked dinner, you have family from out of town; don’t worry, next week things will calm down and you can get the eating back on track.”

But then I thought to myself, so because this week was fun, it means next week I will want it to be more calm and boring just so I can feel more comfortable with my food?

What if next week is just like this week? What if next week has even more social outings and even more social eating experiences than this week? What if I actually want next week to be like this week?

What if next week I don’t have a “calm” week where I can eat my safe meal plan foods, and I don’t lose back that 1 pound from this week?

Hell, I might even gain another pound next week.

The point is, I can’t control next week based on this week and I would be only hurting myself if I tried to do that.

Today I had lunch and frozen yogurt with my cousin . Again, a day composed of heavier foods I normally don’t eat.

I feel like freaking out over it, but I am trying to stand back and ask myself what would be the point in that?

I lived again today.

I have a huge weekend filled with family, food, fun, and who else knows what other things might jump in the way, but I’ll be damned if I let food be the reason to ruin my joy.

This is my life, and all this time, I’ve been treating it like it was a dress rehearsal.

I’ve been thinking that I can fix next week because of this week-or that I can pick and choose this and that food to make me feel more comfortable, and only then, will I be happy with life.

I’ve been looking into the future so much about my weight and how I will look and how I feel and what I will eat, that I forgot that my life is actually here in the now, it’s not trying to fix the now in the future.

Karen will weigh me again next week, and that will be after a whole entire week of life again-of eating, of socializing, of being present and of having fun, and whatever number comes with that, then that’s what it will be.

I choose to live in joy and to live in recovery, and the only way to do that is to let go of these pounds and these foods and these anxieties, and just throw my hands up-raise the curtain and stand on the big stage facing the world that is called my life.

Dress rehearsal is over, and quite frankly, it didn’t prepare me anyways for what life is throwing at me-both good and bad, so I guess I will act on the real stage and see what happens when I go with the ebb and flow of things.

Real life is scary. Recovery is scary. Next week is scary. Even tonight’s dinner is scary.

But freedom from Ed is uplifting and beautiful, and that will one day, out weigh all my fears.

There are so many things to say hello to today.

Hello to life not being just a dress rehearsal, hello to letting fears be present yet knowing they will one day be outweighed by freedom, hello to going with the ebb and flow of things, and most importantly, “hello life.”

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5 thoughts on “Day 122: This Is My Life, Not A Dress Rehearsal

  1. Wow Shira, wow girl, it’s not that u finally got it but that u finally living it! N… Thanx it was a grt reminder!!! I love u

    Sent from my iPhone

  2. Yes, it IS all very scary but we are doing it anyway and I think that is the key to it all. I have a friend who just got her ED assessment and is waiting to hear back from them. She was just like me with not wanting to recovery, at all. I mean, in my heart I still struggle with that and know that without support, I’d go backwards, but anyway… I told her that it’s okay to “feel” that way, feelings aren’t bad but just DO it anyway, do what needs to get done. That is how I’ve been doing this. My head and heart scream at me to not eat, to starve, to over exercise or whatever; I reply with “oh, isn’t that nice,” and go make breakfast. I’m not sure those thoughts will ever go away or if the option to starve will ever leave but for now, I am “acting as if” recovery is really what i want. I have a t-shirt that says: “Actions speak louder than beliefs”, so no matter how fat or ugly or horrible I believe I am, I will continue to take action toward LIFE.

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