Day 121: First Time Cooking In Recovery

Good afternoon everyone,

Today I have a huge day ahead of me, primarily because today will be the first time that I am actually cooking since I have been in recovery.

Let me explain a little bit about why this is such a big deal.

When I was at my lowest point with Ed, I would cook all the time. I would cook every kind of food, for anyone and everyone who would eat it.

I would always make the most delicious things, none of them technically “healthy,” and definitely none of them being safe “ed approved” foods.

I would work so hard to cook these beautiful meals, yet I would never eat it.

I would watch my boyfriend at the time eat, my sister and my brother eat, and my friends eat, but I would never join them.

It was almost like watching them enjoy the food that I wish I could enjoy was enough to physically fill me up at that moment.

I would go on the internet and save literally hundreds of recipes that I knew I would never eat; and even to this day, these recipes are still sitting in my bookmarked pages on my browser.

I cooked one dinner since being in recovery for my sister and I, but it was a meal that I was comfortable with; meaning it was yummy but not something I would have enjoyed as much had I made what I really wanted to eat.

So tonight, I am cooking dinner for a friend and I, and it is a meal that I made once before while I was living with Ed-and I remember thinking how incredible it was and how I just wanted to gobble it all up, but I only had a little little bit, and I remember taking laxatives that night because of it.

Tonight will be different.

I am going to cook that meal again, but this time, I am cooking it with the intention of enjoying it and actually eating it.

I wonder if I will get the same satisfaction watching myself eat what I’ve made, as I did watching others enjoy what I made, while standing on the sidelines?

I wonder if it will bring me anxiety, or instead, maybe it will bring me a sense of freedom?

I am hoping for the freedom.

I love to cook, and unfortunately at one time, my love for cooking became a huge strategy for covering up how sick I was.

I would cook for others, so they would assume I would eat it too, and when I didn’t, they were so busy eating their food they didn’t really pay attention to my restricting.

But  I want to take that passion of cooking back from Ed. I want to turn it into something that I enjoy again.

Eating my own cooking tonight for the first time since I have been in recovery kind of goes with the trend that has been happening a lot lately for me; another new experience.

Maybe this is where my recovery is at right now: a bunch of new experiences.

I like that. I am scared of that-but I like it at the same time, and I am not going to try to stop it.

I will even post a picture tomorrow of what I cooked and ate tonight.

Hello to embracing and learning from the new experiences my recovery will bring me, and hello life.

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5 thoughts on “Day 121: First Time Cooking In Recovery

  1. There’s a great book called, “Feel the fear and do it anyway!” Good for you for moving through your fears. Don’t let it get you down if you are anxious over it or don’t totally enjoy it. ED is a hard habit (in a way) to break and it may not feel good the first time but eventually you will be able to enjoy and not have so much anxiety with it. Have fun!!

  2. One of the saddest things for me was that in the last few months of my down slide I quit cooking altogether and even into recovery, the only cooking I would do was to cook beans that I divided carefully into a bunch of little half cup servings for the week. I love to cook too but couldn’t deal with it until recently, if you’ve seen my food post. Baking bread and successfully keeping it around for “me” to eat instead of giving it all a away or worse, just throwing it away, is a great achievement, something I don’t usually mention on my blog. But reading yours helped me to remember my own forward motion in this area.

    My new thing now is to make a beautiful meal presentation for myself instead of just cooking it, tossing it into a plastic container and eating it in the kitchen while doing dishes. I want to actually use my dining room and eat like normal people do.

    I hope this dinner turned out nicely. I see it was dated two days ago so I’m off to read your next post and hopefully find out. 🙂

    • That is truly amazing that you can make yourself a beautiful meal and mindfully enjoy it-i know how hard that is, as it was hard for me to do this week. You such an inspiration for doing so, and have inspired me to want to keep going. Thank you!

  3. Wow! I felt so happy when I read your post about present fear and being on the real stage of life! It made me so happy to read about your happiness to actually feel that you enjoy life and do the things that you want. People like you makes me happy and you motivate me to recover. Go have fun! Meet you friends! Do the things you always wanted to do! Don’t miss out on the beautiful and lovely things. You deserve to live you life and don’t let anorexia blind you for what beauty there is to life! Just like you say, their will be both ebb and flows, but even when ebb strikes remember to look up at the beautiful surrounding! You GO girl! 😀

    • This made my entire day, thank you so much! I feel that every day that we wake up and live our life even with all our Ed’s trying to stop us, we are living a little bit more and more. your comment was one of the beautiful surroundings for me during not such a great morning today, so thank you so much

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