Good afternoon everyone,
Today I have a huge day ahead of me, primarily because today will be the first time that I am actually cooking since I have been in recovery.
Let me explain a little bit about why this is such a big deal.
When I was at my lowest point with Ed, I would cook all the time. I would cook every kind of food, for anyone and everyone who would eat it.
I would always make the most delicious things, none of them technically “healthy,” and definitely none of them being safe “ed approved” foods.
I would work so hard to cook these beautiful meals, yet I would never eat it.
I would watch my boyfriend at the time eat, my sister and my brother eat, and my friends eat, but I would never join them.
It was almost like watching them enjoy the food that I wish I could enjoy was enough to physically fill me up at that moment.
I would go on the internet and save literally hundreds of recipes that I knew I would never eat; and even to this day, these recipes are still sitting in my bookmarked pages on my browser.
I cooked one dinner since being in recovery for my sister and I, but it was a meal that I was comfortable with; meaning it was yummy but not something I would have enjoyed as much had I made what I really wanted to eat.
So tonight, I am cooking dinner for a friend and I, and it is a meal that I made once before while I was living with Ed-and I remember thinking how incredible it was and how I just wanted to gobble it all up, but I only had a little little bit, and I remember taking laxatives that night because of it.
Tonight will be different.
I am going to cook that meal again, but this time, I am cooking it with the intention of enjoying it and actually eating it.
I wonder if I will get the same satisfaction watching myself eat what I’ve made, as I did watching others enjoy what I made, while standing on the sidelines?
I wonder if it will bring me anxiety, or instead, maybe it will bring me a sense of freedom?
I am hoping for the freedom.
I love to cook, and unfortunately at one time, my love for cooking became a huge strategy for covering up how sick I was.
I would cook for others, so they would assume I would eat it too, and when I didn’t, they were so busy eating their food they didn’t really pay attention to my restricting.
But I want to take that passion of cooking back from Ed. I want to turn it into something that I enjoy again.
Eating my own cooking tonight for the first time since I have been in recovery kind of goes with the trend that has been happening a lot lately for me; another new experience.
Maybe this is where my recovery is at right now: a bunch of new experiences.
I like that. I am scared of that-but I like it at the same time, and I am not going to try to stop it.
I will even post a picture tomorrow of what I cooked and ate tonight.
Hello to embracing and learning from the new experiences my recovery will bring me, and hello life.