Let’s just jump right into where I am at this morning-I am not in a good place.
On Saturday morning, I wrote about how I woke up feeling slightly sore (a soreness I often get from over eating or eating rich foods), and I wrote about how I didn’t quite understand why I got it, but I was just going to let it go.
Well, this morning I woke up feeling this soreness again, and it is much worse than it was on Saturday. And the worst part is, that I truly do not undestand why I am sore.
I ate food yesterday wit my family and friends, but never did I overeat and never did I feel too full.
What the hell is going on with my body?
I was just reaching a place where I was starting to trust my body again and starting to trust food again, and now I wake up physically sore almost two days back to back for no reason. Why?
Soreness always happens from overeating or eating bad foods. I know that even if I ate “bad” foods yesterday, I didn’t overeat. Or at least I thought I knew that.
Now, I am not sure of what I know anymore.
I am sitting in a huge puddle of doubt.
Doubt about food, doubt about my body,and doubt about myself.
Maybe I really did eat way too much yesterday , and way too much on Friday, and that is why I am sore? Maybe my grasp with reality of about how much I ate truly is skewed now?
Doubt is the keyword of the day.
I know I might sound mean or frustrated this morning, and maybe even sarcastic, but that’s because that is what I really feel.
I don’t understand my body these past few days, and it’s pretty tempting to just throw my hands up and say I don’t understand recovery anymore either.
But, I won’t do that-because I know that is not true.
I do understand that recovery is this big wavelength that goes up and down.
And right now, I guess I am sitting in the down.
What I thought I trusted, I don’t trust.
I thought I trusted my body, but I don’t.
I thought I trusted myself to know how to avoid this physical soreness, but I guess I don’t.
I still need to get up, go see E, go to the gym, meet a friend for lunch and then later go to work.
If it was up to Ed, we wouldn’t do any of that. We would sit here all day together and analyze why I ate the food I ate that made me sore.
But ultimately, this is still another day of recovery, and I guess I need to honor that-even if I might cry or be mad while doing it-I will honor it.
I am not happy today, I am not even thankful today-I really am upset, doubtful, and confused and I don’t feel like seeing or talking to anyone-but I’ll get up anyways and go see all the people I have made plans to see, because that is what fighters do.
They get up even when they have the wind knocked out of them.
I have been fighting for 119 days now to break Ed and to live a beautiful free life of happiness and self compassion, so it’s not a good time to stop that right now.
I’ve had worse days, and I made it through-and I will make it through today too, even though I might need to fight for every second of it.
In a day like today where I am literally doubting everything about my body, my food, and my recovery, the one thing I do not doubt is that tomorrow will come, and I will still be here, stronger than I am today, and to that I can find the strength to say, “hello life.”