Good afternoon everyone,
Today my younger brother who is an aspiring MMA fighter, has his championship title fight.
For whatever reason, this made me think of what I was wearing the last time he had a fight about 3 months ago, in the very beginning of my recovery.
I actually even have a picture from that day.
Instantly, Ed told me to go try on those jeans from that day and that I should see how much tighter they are now.
But I don’t want to. I simply don’t want to.
I have been feeling so good lately about the new clothes that I’ve bought and how I feel in them, I really don’t feel like sabotaging that today.
This makes me feel like I am in a really good place today.
This is probably one of the first times that it has been relatively easy to disobey Ed, and make the choice that is healthy for me.
I still have some anxiety about not trying on my old clothes, because there is still a part of me that feels that that is me running from the truth about how my body has gotten bigger-but at the same time, the feeling I get from feeling good in my new clothes far out weigh that anxiety.
I am starting to be addicted to the feeling I get when I feel good about myself and when I feel good about what I am wearing.
For the first time in years, I am starting to love the feeling that I get when I feel I look good.
When I lived with Ed, I didn’t even want to feel good about the way I looked-because if I did, it meant that I actually accepted myself, and therefore I would let myself eat and take care of myself, and Ed could never let that happen.
The fact that I can actually challenge Ed today and not try on those old clothes, because I don’t want to, not because E told me not to or not because I know it isn’t the right thing, but because I don’t want to, speaks volumes to me.
I truthfully am starting to love taking care of myself-not just physically with eating, but emotionally now as well.
In the midst of this gray area of recovery that I am currently in, this good place that I am in seems to make my future a lot more clear.
What a wonderful thing it is to be in a good place today. I am thankful for it and I am thankful to have another day to say “hello life.”