Day 117: Moving On With Life

Good evening everyone,

This morning, I initially woke up sore-the kind of soreness that I used to get from bingeing or overeating.

I haven’t had this feeling in a long time, and considering the fact that I don’t think I over ate too much last night, I am not sure why I got that feeling today.

At first, I was frustrated and disappointed, and I didn’t even want to do anything with myself.

But, I had told my friend I would go see her, so thinking that I would only be out for about an hour, I got ready and left.

After I left her house, I got a call from another friend to go to lunch.

Lunch was absolutely the last thing that I wanted to do when I was feeling sore, and when I was still full from breakfast. But for whatever reason, something inside me compelled me to go.

I went and actually had a great time, and am only getting home now–about 6 hours past when I thought I would be back.

When I woke up this morning, I didn’t expect to do anything enjoyable for myself today, all because I felt a little bit of soreness. That soreness once symbolized failure, it once symbolized over eating and essentially it once symbolized a loss of control.

But I realize now, so what if I over ate one night?  Everyone does that-and as Karen would say, its part of normal eating.

So what if I an entire cookie with my sister for dessert? So what, so what, so what.

So what, so it leads to some physical soreness? It doesn’t make me a failure and it doesn’t mean I lost control-it simply means my body is doing its own thing and I just need to let that be.

Where at one time this soreness would have kept me in bed all day, and made me restrict-today, that did not happen.

Today, I felt sore, but I got up anyway.

Today, I went to lunch with friends anyway.

Today, I lived my life anyway.

I am so moving on with my life and with my recovery without Ed always being the controller of it all, and it feels liberating; sometimes scary, but overall, liberating.

Plans didn’t go how they were supposed to go yesterday or today.

Yesterday, when I brought dessert to my family dinner for my brothers to eat, I didn’t expect for my sister and I to be the main ones eating it-but that is what happened, and that is OK.

Today, I didn’t plan on waking up sore-but that is what happened and that is OK too.

Life is OK and moving on with life, despite these Ed related thoughts and feelings is OK too-it’s actually better than OK, it’s incredible.

Do I feel great right now? Honestly, no.

Do I feel great about my body when I feel sore and mad at myself for over eating? No, it sucks.

But I am living, I am breathing and I am pushing through that.

I like that although I was feeling Ed’s presence a little bit today, I didn’t let it keep me from moving forward with another day of life.

Today was my first day of summer, and I love the tone that I’ve set for it.

Plans will be broken, what’s expected might not always happen, and the unexpected things that take its place might just be exactly what I am searching for-sore or not, Ed being loud or not, I need to continue to move on with my life.

I lived life today-even with Ed trying to stop me-and to that, I say, hello life.


4 thoughts on “Day 117: Moving On With Life

  1. Very cool. Being willing to sit through uncomfortable stuff is a great skill. Sometimes feeling the uncomfortableness isn’t so bad. You realize you are strong and don’t have to search for relief.
    Keep up the great work. It feels like your blog is a safe place for you to process and find strength like I do.

  2. “But I am living, I am breathing and I am pushing through that.”

    Wow, that is exactly what I needed to read this morning. Thanks!

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