Day 115: A New Assignment

Good morning everyone,

I had my weekly meeting with Karen (my nutritionist) this morning.

When I first started seeing Karen, she would give me different assignments every week.

Some assignments would be adding a new food into my meal plan, or adding an extra serving of something into my meals.

These past few weeks Karen hasn’t given me any new assignments. I worked my way up to the meal plan I need to be at, and I was doing a good job following it, so no new assignments were needed.

But today, she asked me, “do you ever feel full and satisfied at the same time?”

It didn’t even take me one second to answer; “no, I feel full, but rarely satisfied.”

So then she asked me, “When is the last time you actually ate what you wanted, instead of what was just healthy or safe foods?”

This question was hard to answer.

Here I was thinking that I am doing so great following my meal plan, and that that totally meant I would never have to think about food again.

But, just because I am following my meal plan and eating all the right food groups and portions, it in no way means I am eating what I truly want or crave.

“I don’t even know what I like to eat anymore,” I told  Karen.

This is true. What do I really like? Do I really like the foods I am eating, or do I only “like” them because I know they are nutritionist approved and because they are safe?

The ironic thing is that Karen says all foods are good foods, so technically, she would approve of anything.

It’s me who is the disapproving one.

So for the first time in about a month and a half, Karen gave me a new assignment.

By this time next Thursday, I will have needed to eat one meal of exactly what I truly want.

This may sound easy to those who have not battled with an eating disorder, but to me, it is terrifying.

What if I eat what I want and binge? Or what if I can’t do it? What if I get so nervous about it that  I can’t do it?

What if I want to eat a food that is unhealthy? What if i I don’t know where to stop?

All these questions are running through my mind right now, and I realize that I don’t fully trust myself around food yet, and honestly, I don’t expect myself to at this point.

But the only way I will know if I can start to build more trust with food is if I try.

So, I will eat this meal of whatever I want-but knowing myself, and the planner that I am, I will need to plan it out.

Ideally, Karen would say to go with the flow of life and not plan this meal-but that is not realistic for me right now.

If I have to give up the control of what I am eating on that meal, and really eat what my body tells me it wants (something totally out of my control), then the least I can do is plan the day and the meal.

I am not sure when I want this meal to take place, or with who I want it to be with, but I am going to take my time to figure it out.

I want to make this a good and freeing experience for myself.

I’m proud of myself that I am in the place I am in recovery in terms of food-but eating food is not complete freedom from Ed.

Eating food that I truly like and enjoy, without having Ed ruin that for me-that is part of complete freedom, and this meal is a good start in trying to achieve that.

I am scared for this meal, I am nervous for this meal, but I am also a little bit curious and excited at the same time.

Maybe it will turn out to be fun? Maybe I will like it? Maybe I will learn that I can trust myself around food?

Either way, I will find out only by going through this experience.

I am choosing to take on this assignment and pull myself out of my comfort zone yet again, because I’ve seen the great rewards that doing that has brought me in the past.

One meal of whatever I want-I can do this, right?

For now, I only have to think about when I want to make this meal happen, and that’s a big enough task for now.

Hello to this new assignment and the freedom it could potentially bring, and hello life.

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