Day 111: Bigger Than Ed

Good evening everyone,

All of yesterday and today, I had the gift of spending time with my mom and my twin sister.

We spent the night laughing, eating, sharing stories and having a good time.

When this morning came around, (Mother’s Day morning), I spent time with my mom and sister, and I spent time telling all the incredible women in my life who are mothers, how amazing they are.

I got to tell my mom, my grandma, my aunts on both sides of my family, my step mom and even other women who I know and who I love, how great they were and how much I loved them.

All of them responded with either an “I love you,” or “you’re great too.”

At first, I thought today would be about comparing myself to where I was on last mother’s day to this mother’s day. How I can remember exactly what I weighed last mother’s day, exactly how  I binged afterwards, and exactly how my jeans (that are now tight) were falling off me.

But that isn’t what came to me.

What came to me is how incredible it is that I am part of this family unit.

I am part of a community, part of a family. All those women who I texted today, and who texted me back, and who I got to share this day with, are all part of me.

We are one family unit together.

My mom, my sister and I were a unit today at brunch,and all my other family as well;we are one unit.

I just got this overwhelming feeling today that I am so much bigger than Ed.

I am not just part of Ed anymore.

I am part of an entire army of loved ones.

I used to think that Ed was my unit.

I used to think that Ed and I were each others rocks. I used to feel that he was my world, and that together, he and I could fool anyone into believing how happy we were.

But today, I truly saw that I am so much bigger than Ed-and I don’t mean bigger as in physical size, I mean bigger as in strength, as in power, and as in life.

My life is bigger than this eating disorder, and I am bigger and stronger than this eating disorder.

I am even bigger than this body that is carrying my soul-because I am not just me alone.

I am part of something more; part of a band of people who love and care for one another.

Ed has no place in this family unit of mine.

Last night, my mom and my sister and I actually laughed at Ed when we devoured a huge chocolate chip cookie with ice cream on it.

“Ed who,?” I remember my mom saying.

And she was so right.

Ed who?

Ed is here-he was there yesterday too, but he is tiny compared to the army of love and support that I am a part of.

By choosing to let go of Ed, I have chosen to let myself become part of my family unit again-something I was not always present for when I was living in my eating disorder.

Goodbye to Ed once being my rock, hello to letting myself be part of this unit who is stronger and bigger than Ed, and hello life.


3 thoughts on “Day 111: Bigger Than Ed

  1. What a gift you are to me! You and your sister and brother…. That was the best Mother’s Day ever! The only thing missing was my mom and Dean Bo!

  2. “Hello Life” indeed. What an amazing journey you are on! Have you reflected on the fact that 111 days is only about 3 1/2 months and just how far you have come in such a short period of time? I mean, to us, it seems like a very long time but in the overall scheme of things, not so much. Yay for you!!!

    • Sasha,
      This comment totally made my entire day when I woke up and read it this morning. Thank you so so much. This just made me feel so good and it gave me such inspiration to continue on this path to recovery. I don’t know how to say it in the right words, but thank you so sincerely, this truly made my day. I hope you are having a good day too, thinking of you and sending you support and strength.

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