Good morning everyone,
It is pretty obvious by now that I have a little bit of an obsession with reading inspiring quotes on pretty much a daily basis-and this morning was no different.
I got up and was reading for words of inspiration and came across this:
“Faith -when you come to the edge of all the light you have known and are about to step out into the darkness, faith is knowing one of two things will happen…there will be something to stand on or you will be taught how to fly.”
This resonated with me for a few reasons, but mostly because this week (with the exception of yesterday) has been a hard week for me in recovery.
I had a night on Saturday where I felt uncomfortable in my clothes and I had three whole days where I felt fearful of what I ate and what it would do to my body.
Those days were the days that I went out with friends and the night where my friend came over and we made dinner together-days that were social and fun, yet inviting for Ed to come and sabotage.
When I read that quote this morning, it brought me back to those days.
I thought about how on Saturday night, I was so nervous to eat appetizers with my friends and how I was calculating the calories the whole time.
It made me think about Monday when my friend came over and we cooked dinner together and then even had dessert after, and how all I could think about was how I needed to work out the next morning.
It made me think about Tuesday, and how upset I was that I didn’t feel like working out that day, after everything I had eaten on Monday.
But as I was looking back on these days, instead of looking at the small road bumps that Ed put in my way, I also saw that these were days that I was living in the moment.
I DID go out with friends on Saturday and I DID eat with them, laugh with them, and have fun with them.
I DID cook and eat dinner with a friend and enjoy making that new connection with someone.
I DID listen to my body on Tuesday when it didn’t want to work out.
These moments of living in the present and of me defying Ed, are what I think are the beginning of me teaching myself to fly.
I had been living in darkness with Ed for years, way before I decided to choose recovery.
Choosing recovery did indeed mean having faith, and it did mean stepping out onto a new edge of darkness-but this time, this edge had a light at the end of it.
As the quote said, when you step out onto that edge of darkness, either you will have something to stand on, or you will be taught how to fly.
I have used my recovery team, my family and my friends as my stools to stand on, but as I fight my way through this battle, but I have also taught myself how to fly.
Giving E my scale was the day I started to grow my wings, and since then, I have slowly been learning how to flap them hard enough in order to give me the strength and momentum to push through recovery.
These hard moments in this past week where I was fighting with Ed, and when I chose to still go out with those friends and eat and just simply enjoy my life despite of what Ed said-that was me flying.
Am I soaring yet? No.
Am I the fastest and strongest bird in the sky yet? No.
But I am simply flying, at my pace, and my speed-and it feels good.
It feels good because the power and the wind that powers me to fly is nothing other than my own inner strength-and to that I sincerely say to you all and to myself, “hello life.”