So last night, I went out with friends, and I think I must have changed my outfit about seven times before I found one I felt comfortable in.
Now, two things can happen this morning: I can sit here and be upset about that and upset that my clothes didn’t once fit me how they used to, and then I can try to think of a way to fit back into them again while still trying to be in recovery.
But, you know, as well as I know, that those two ideas don’t go together.
I can try to think of ways to add extra exercise into my routine this week, or certain sweets that I can cut out that wouldn’t affect my meal plan, but something inside me feels like that would be restricting again, and I hate that feeling.
I know I might feel good for about 2 days if I did those things and then felt better in my clothes, but later down the line, I would feel defeated by Ed.
So, instead, I am going shopping again-but this time, it’s not for a dress to go out in-it’s for anything and pretty much everything I need-shirts, shorts, pants, anything.
I am nervous to try on jeans or pants today because it is something I haven’t done before in my recovery, and I know I can’t pick up the same sizes as I did before-but I am ready to start to feel good in the clothes I wear, so it is something I need to do.
If I told this to E, she would call this self care.
She would say that taking care of myself by buying new clothes that make me feel good, and not trying to fit into old ones that represented me when I was not healthy, are all part of self care.
I feel proud to say that I can engage in an act of self care, as it is something I neglected myself of for the years I spent living with Ed.
I am even going to put on make up, put on a cute outfit, and I am going to make today’s shopping experience into an act of self care and self love instead of something destructive and dominated by Ed.
I will not try on sizes I know won’t fit, and I will not walk into that mall looking to validate myself in sizes or in dressing room mirrors; I am walking in there in order to take care of myself.
This is definitely a totally new way to go shopping, and I don’t think I will do a perfect job at it on my first time, but I am in the right mind set to try.
The best part is, if I start to feel Ed taking over me, I know I can walk out and leave. Today, the control is in my hands. I choose what stores to go into, I choose what to try on, and I choose when to leave.
I am going to try my very best to leave Ed outside that mall and to try to walk in there just as me-a girl who wants to feel good about herself.
Hello to learning how to engage in self care, hello to leaving Ed outside the mall today, and hello life.