Good afternoon all,
The main thing that has happened for me today so far has been this incredible feeling of learning to trust my body again. Let me explain why.
As you all know by now, I always have Friday night dinner with my family.
Last night, was the first night in months, that I can remember that I felt I overate at dessert. It was a birthday, so we had birthday cake, and other cakes as well.
I definitely had more than I wanted, and I remember thinking to myself, “Oh God, I am going to be so sore tomorrow.”
In the past, eating 3 slices of cake like I did yesterday, would have definitely led to body soreness the next day.
After living in my eating disorder for so long, my body seems to have a hard time breaking down salt, sugar and fats.
I remember my doctor telling me that as I began to eat more, my body would adjust.
It’s been 103 days, and only now, am I starting to trust him and my body that they were both right, because this morning, I woke up, and I was not sore at all.
Of course, this doesn’t take away my frustration at myself for eating that much, especially after learning yesterday that I had gained weight-but it shows me that I can start to really trust my body again.
Maybe it really can handle this food now? Maybe it can eat dessert, or even salty foods, and not be physically sore afterwards? Maybe the doctor was right when he said in time, my body would adjust.
It’s such a good feeling to start to feel I can trust my body again.
I think this is also because my body is trusting me again too.
It knows I will not deprive it, and therefore, it can do what it needs to do and work how it needs to work.
I am not saying that my body soreness will never come back, but the fact that it didn’t come back today, after a night where I for sure thought it would, lets me build some trust with it.
Also, the fact that at one time, that cake would have led to that physical soreness, and now it didn’t, shows me how far along my body has come in my recovery.
Even though it might be gaining weight, it is also working more efficiently, and that is a good feeling.
Just how Ed and I have a relationship, so do my body and I.
I actually think that my relationship with my body is probably the most important relationship I need to work on right now, besides my relationship with myself.
The more trust my body and I build, the less Ed can break us and ruin our perception of what we should look like.
Hello to finding and building trust not only with my body, but with my recovery as a whole, and hello life.