Day 99: Haunting Memories

Good morning everyone,

Today I woke up and I just felt like being outside . I wanted to clear my mind.

I decided to come to a hiking spot I used to go to when Ed and I were living as one being .

This is the first time that I have ever come to this spot without the intention to burn calories and instead to just to be with nature .

It’s also the first time I’ve been here since I have been in recovery .

I sit here now writing this post from a rock on the trail where I have a view of the entire valley . But my entire walk up to this resting point has been full of haunting memories.

I remember coming here every Monday to do a multiple mile hike in order to try to fix “fat Sundays”

I remember the dizziness I felt.

Every step I took on this trail came with a haunting memory. It was like I was reliving those feelings and moments of darkness all over again.

I remember a time where I brought my little brother here on a Saturday morning.

He was tired after 10 minutes, but I made him go to the top with me anyway .

I told him it was a lesson in not giving up, but that was not true.

It was me listening to Ed telling me that I needed to burn more calories, even if it meant pushing my little brother to the top , past his exhaustion .

I’m crying right now as I think back on that memory . I hate Ed for making me into that person . I hate him for putting my brother through that .

Never, ever again in my life, will I let that happen again and these tears that I am crying right now will be a witness to that .

I am sitting right now at the bottom of a big hill I used to go up .

When I got here , Ed told me to go up this hill . Not all the way he said, just a little .

But I know that there is never a half way with Ed. It’s all or nothing .

I wanted to go up this hill so badly, but I knew if I did it would be the creation of another haunting Ed memory and I don’t want that .

Instead , I chose to sit down and write this post .

I had no idea that coming back to this spot today would bring me back so many memories .

I am looking around and I see so many beautiful trees and I can smell the freshness and purity in the nature around me.

These are things I never even knew existed when I hiked here with Ed, and it’s beautiful to be able to finally see them.

This experience of literally walking through those memories of Ed and I at this spot was not easy, but it was beautiful, because now I can let those memories go .

There is an entire world out there just waiting for me to create new memories for myself . Memories filled with freedom, self acceptance and strength .

Hello to leaving these haunting memories behind me, hello to creating new memories and hello life .

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6 thoughts on “Day 99: Haunting Memories

  1. Shira, that is incredible to have such insight and to be able to give yourself that gift of compassion to be able to continue to move forward in your recover and your journey! So beautiful! I love you! Xoxo

  2. Shira, some people go through life without ever realizing the mistakes they’ve made and consequently, never experience any kind of recovery. You are so far ahead of the game! I don’t even know you, but I love you.

  3. It’s ok I push edaan ! He did learn a lesson that day and even though in your mind you were pushing him for Ed , the lesson to never give up is also a lesson that you taught him regardless of the intention behind it and that’s a great lesson to learn. With that said don’t be sad for pushing edaan , it’s good you did! As far as Ed goes I’m happy he no longer drives your car so to say and is now left behind. You are taking control and turning the wheel any way you want. Continue to drive and take control !! Good job love you

  4. Shira Sheli, I just got back from work to the most amazing thing call family. I read your post teared as I know n feel your pain. But more than that, tears of pride as I trust u that u trust yourself. Always with u, 100 percent, love u

    Sent from my iPhone

  5. I just love how your posts end with hello life.
    Nature is a great healer.
    Maybe some of that wonderful healing could rub off on Ed instead of the other way around. You are powerful. You never know.
    Blessings and love,
    Laurie

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