Good morning everyone,
Today I woke up and I just felt like being outside . I wanted to clear my mind.
I decided to come to a hiking spot I used to go to when Ed and I were living as one being .
This is the first time that I have ever come to this spot without the intention to burn calories and instead to just to be with nature .
It’s also the first time I’ve been here since I have been in recovery .
I sit here now writing this post from a rock on the trail where I have a view of the entire valley . But my entire walk up to this resting point has been full of haunting memories.
I remember coming here every Monday to do a multiple mile hike in order to try to fix “fat Sundays”
I remember the dizziness I felt.
Every step I took on this trail came with a haunting memory. It was like I was reliving those feelings and moments of darkness all over again.
I remember a time where I brought my little brother here on a Saturday morning.
He was tired after 10 minutes, but I made him go to the top with me anyway .
I told him it was a lesson in not giving up, but that was not true.
It was me listening to Ed telling me that I needed to burn more calories, even if it meant pushing my little brother to the top , past his exhaustion .
I’m crying right now as I think back on that memory . I hate Ed for making me into that person . I hate him for putting my brother through that .
Never, ever again in my life, will I let that happen again and these tears that I am crying right now will be a witness to that .
I am sitting right now at the bottom of a big hill I used to go up .
When I got here , Ed told me to go up this hill . Not all the way he said, just a little .
But I know that there is never a half way with Ed. It’s all or nothing .
I wanted to go up this hill so badly, but I knew if I did it would be the creation of another haunting Ed memory and I don’t want that .
Instead , I chose to sit down and write this post .
I had no idea that coming back to this spot today would bring me back so many memories .
I am looking around and I see so many beautiful trees and I can smell the freshness and purity in the nature around me.
These are things I never even knew existed when I hiked here with Ed, and it’s beautiful to be able to finally see them.
This experience of literally walking through those memories of Ed and I at this spot was not easy, but it was beautiful, because now I can let those memories go .
There is an entire world out there just waiting for me to create new memories for myself . Memories filled with freedom, self acceptance and strength .
Hello to leaving these haunting memories behind me, hello to creating new memories and hello life .