Day 97: Venting

Hello everyone ,

So I am sitting here waiting to get my car fixed (yet again) and I just feel so full.

I ate last night at 3 am when I got home because I was hungry . I even ate dinner before that too . And now I’m mad about it all.

I’m mad that I’m full . And I’m mad that last night I had to change my outfit because the shirt I wore showed things on my body I didn’t like . I’m not used to feeling this way when I get dressed.

I’m not used to having to see things I don’t like about my body and not being able to control them .

I even am eating even more than what’s on the meal plan and I’m mad about that too.

I really don’t think I can go back , even if my brain wants to my physical body won’t let me and truthfully, I won’t let me .

Even though I’m proud of myself for not letting myself go back to those Ed restricted days, I am mad about it too . It feels like I want to do something but I can’t .

I know if I were to weigh myself today it would send me so far back into Ed that I would never come out , so I’m thankful I made the commitment to be scale free for a year .

But I have to tell you the truth and say today is one of those days where I wish I knew what I weighed . Its almost as If knowing that would be my ticket back to starvation .

I apologize for the ranting or venting I am doing today but I just feel I need to get this off my chest.

I’m mad about what recovery is doing to my body today . Maybe tomorrow I won’t be mad anymore , but today I am .

But I would still rather be mad about the discomfort of recovery than be mad about the fact that I let myself eat today , because those were dark days.

I will be mad a little bit today and I am sure ill be frustrated . But I will survive , I will thrive and I will still be here tomorrow .

Being mad or uncomfortable will not kill me, but going back to Ed will.

So I will be mad everyday if I have to and I will vent as much as I need, but I will not go back .

Hello anger , I’m sure well be spending some time together . But at the same time, we will be spending time with recovery too and to that I say hello life.


7 thoughts on “Day 97: Venting

  1. I feel ya girl. Your story is true and raw and that’s what people like me who are still kind of lost in the whole ED world need. Stay strong!! Vent whatever ya need to!:)

  2. I posted a comment to you yesterday from my iPad but apparently it didn’t get through. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know I totally understand like everything you said. This is all so frustrating some times, most of the time. I hope that at some point it starts to get better.

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