Hello everyone ,
So I am sitting here waiting to get my car fixed (yet again) and I just feel so full.
I ate last night at 3 am when I got home because I was hungry . I even ate dinner before that too . And now I’m mad about it all.
I’m mad that I’m full . And I’m mad that last night I had to change my outfit because the shirt I wore showed things on my body I didn’t like . I’m not used to feeling this way when I get dressed.
I’m not used to having to see things I don’t like about my body and not being able to control them .
I even am eating even more than what’s on the meal plan and I’m mad about that too.
I really don’t think I can go back , even if my brain wants to my physical body won’t let me and truthfully, I won’t let me .
Even though I’m proud of myself for not letting myself go back to those Ed restricted days, I am mad about it too . It feels like I want to do something but I can’t .
I know if I were to weigh myself today it would send me so far back into Ed that I would never come out , so I’m thankful I made the commitment to be scale free for a year .
But I have to tell you the truth and say today is one of those days where I wish I knew what I weighed . Its almost as If knowing that would be my ticket back to starvation .
I apologize for the ranting or venting I am doing today but I just feel I need to get this off my chest.
I’m mad about what recovery is doing to my body today . Maybe tomorrow I won’t be mad anymore , but today I am .
But I would still rather be mad about the discomfort of recovery than be mad about the fact that I let myself eat today , because those were dark days.
I will be mad a little bit today and I am sure ill be frustrated . But I will survive , I will thrive and I will still be here tomorrow .
Being mad or uncomfortable will not kill me, but going back to Ed will.
So I will be mad everyday if I have to and I will vent as much as I need, but I will not go back .
Hello anger , I’m sure well be spending some time together . But at the same time, we will be spending time with recovery too and to that I say hello life.