Good morning everyone,
For the past few Saturday’s, I kind of started a ritual of waking up , eating breakfast, and then trying on all my clothes.
Why do I do this on Saturday? I don’t really know.
I actually did it yesterday too when I took my clothes out of the dryer. Knowing that pants shrink after they are dried, I took the two pairs of jeans in there and tried them on. It was impulsive and unkind to myself. But that was yesterday and I’ve moved on.
So now, here I am , Saturday morning, post-breakfast, and really feeling the urge to go and try on my pants again, like I always do. I don’t want to try them to make myself feel bad, and I don’t want to try them to hear what Ed has to say about them.
I want to try them because I feel like if I don’t, I’m running away from the “truth,” of the uncomfortable changes my body is going through.
But, I told E that this Saturday I will not try on the pants and that instead, I will write about how I get through those emotions and feelings that I am feeling when I am walking through the temptation to try them on.
Because E is on a vacation, I am not going to call her and tell her that I have decided to not do this,and therefore, I am accountable to actually do this experiment or exercise.
I am not sure how long this temptation to try everything on will last, but I will document it the whole time and hopefully by the end, I will feel stronger for it.
Here we go.
It’s 10:56 am: I really really really want to try on my pants right now. There are two in particular I am thinking of. I wonder if they will fit me how they fit last week?
10:57 am: I feel I need to get up and move. I need to tap my fingers or move my toes, but I won’t get out bed, the place I am writing this post, because I know if I do, I will walk straight over to my clothes.
10:58 am: I will listen to music instead. One song, just one song of no getting up and no trying on clothes.
11:01 am: This song is useless. Really, what if the clothes don’t fit the same? How will I not know the truth? How do I know what to wear today, or tonight, or tomorrow? This is an escape from the truth.
11:03 am: I am going to play a song that I know gives me inspiration and hope. It’s called I’ve Been Looking For you by Kirk Franklin. It’s about finding that higher power that pulls you through bad times.
11:05 am: “When they thought my world was coming to an end, all the time you knew, that I would make it through,”-this line in the song just lifted me up. Yes, I will make it through. I can do this. I can so do this. Stupid clothes. I can do this.
11:06 am: “That’s for the struggle, that’s for the pain, that’s for those dark nights,”-another part of this song that just moved me. My struggle, my pain, my dark nights-not giving into this temptation that Ed is luring me with is fighting back against those struggles, pain, and dark nights.
11:08 am: The song ends by saying, “All things work together.” Right now, I need all things to work together. I need my strength, I need my dedication to my recovery and I need my knowledge and wisdom of knowing that not trying on these clothes is another big step in my recovery and I’ll be proud of myself for it.
11:09 am: I am going to listen to this song again, yup, again, and as many times as I need to.
11:10 am: The temptation to go run and try on all my clothes is slowly fading . I still am not moving out of this bed, but I can feel less anxiety, and I’m not as nervous about it.
11:11 am: OK, but seriously, now I don’t know anything about how they will fit. And I guess I am not going to know that for today. I need to accept the fact that I will not know how the clothes will fit today. Ok, I am accepting that and moving on with it.
11:12 am: So, I won’t know. My biggest fear is not knowing. But I do know what clothes I have that I will feel good in, and so maybe I can just stick to those for today.
11:13 am: Decision made. Sticking to the clothes I feel good in. No going back now.
11:14 am: The song is done playing for the second time in a row now, and I am starting to feel better. Even though my urge to try those clothes are still here, I know I won’t do it now, because I just told myself the decision has been made not to and to stick to the clothes I feel good in. Thankfully for me, this is where my black and white thinking come in useful; once I make a decision I don’t go back, it’s final.
11:15 am: Deep breath. I can do this . I started at 10:56 am, it is now 11:15, that is 19 whole minutes of me sitting with the discomfort of fighting Ed and his temptations, and I did it. Damn right Ed, I did it.
I’m not saying the urge to give into Ed’s temptations is gone, because it’s not, but my urge to stay true to myself and to my recovery is present now too, and that will keep me from giving into him.
19 minutes . 19 minutes of myself that I just won back from Ed.
Actually, it’s been 96 days and 19 minutes that I’ve won back from Ed, and this is only the beginning.
Thank you for taking the time to go through these 19 minutes with me, as never felt I was alone in them, because I know this blog is surrounded with so much hope and support.
Hello to knowing that I can beat Ed even in the face of his temptations, hello to being strong, and hello life .