Day 94: Hello Again Ed

Good afternoon everyone,

Ed has definitely made a slight come back for himself today.

Last night, for whatever reason, I had a sweet tooth, and I let myself eat dessert. To me, it felt like a lot of dessert.

The day before that I even had chicken that was breaded and fried.

None of this was bothering me too much, up until this morning.

When I woke up at 7 a.m., and discovered that I was too tired to go on the run that I had planned on going on last night as I was eating the cake, Ed literally woke up from his day dream and became very much alive again.

We did our body check together this morning-twice. And we took pictures in my phone to see what I looked like in my outfit.

But, when it came time to eat breakfast and then lunch (which was literally about 10 minutes ago), I pushed Ed off my shoulder for those few minutes and I stuck to my meal plan and fed my body, and therefore I fed my mind and soul too.

I could sit here and ramble on about how uncomfortable I feel in my body today, and how fearful and scary it has been to eat according to the meal plan today, but that is not what I want to do.

Instead, I want to focus on the fact that yesterday, I ate dessert-yes, more than I would like, but I ate it because I wanted it and I did not binge on it.

I didn’t take a laxative afterwards like I would have done when I was fully immersed in Ed, and I didn’t go and run to the gym, and I didn’t skip any meals today, and that makes me feel so proud of myself.

When I used to weigh myself, I had this cycle every week, where I would starve all week to weigh myself on Friday, and then Sunday’s were my “fat day,” or the day that I would binge.

For whatever reason, I felt like I was trapped back in that cycle this week where I wanted to eat “healthy,” so on the weekend I could feel good.

But “healthy,” to me and Ed is not truly healthy for me, and therefore, I did not do that.

I stuck to my meal plan and I stayed true to my recovery.

I know that not everyday I will feel this way, but for today, I am feeling like a victim of Ed’s wrath. But I once heard a quote and it is sticking out to me today.

The quote said,

“You don’t need to attend every argument your invited to.”

And that is what I have been doing so far today with Ed.

I know  he is here, I said hello to him, and that is it.

He is inviting me to argue with him about calories, food, and the way my body looks, but I am choosing to not attend this argument.

So, hello again Ed, I see you are here, but that is the full extent of the attention you will be getting from me today.

While your invitation to obsess about calories and weight and body all day does not look so bad because it is quite familiar, it looks like a dark hole waiting to grab me and suck me in , and I am deciding to decline the invite.

I will love myself today and I will continue to nourish my body today.

I will stay true to my recovery today, even with Ed here laughing and pointing fingers at me the entire time.

Alright recovery, let’s give today all we’ve got.

Hello to not attending every argument that Ed invites me to today, and hello life.


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