Good morning everyone,
Yesterday was a great day, but one that ended up having a few recovery bumps along the way.
For whatever reason yesterday, starting all the way from mid-morning, I felt hungrier than usual. I ate a bigger lunch than I normally do, more snacks than I normally do, and a bigger dinner than I normally do.
I remember sitting in class yesterday at around 2:30 feeling hungry, even though I just ate an hour before, and literally being so angry at the fact that I was hungry. I wasn’t mad at myself, I was just upset with the entire situation of feeling this uncalled for hunger.
I couldn’t understand why I was feeling this way, even though I knew I ate.
But, I listened to my body and I ate anyway. And I ate again later on when I got home late, even though that was not my plan.
My plan was to eat dinner at school (which I did), and then that would be it.
But, my body didn’t really like my plan, and it was hungry even when I got home.
Now that I am nourishing it again, my body definitely lets me know what it needs and when-this is both good and bad.
I like the fact that I can let myself feel hunger again, because it is a sensation that I suppressed for so long, it is nice to know it is still there-yet at the same time, it is scary.
I have already realized that in recovery, I need to get out of my black and white thinking, I’ve already realized that restricting food can no longer be a method of control that I use to try to sort out my life when things get chaotic, and after yesterday, I realized that I cannot fight with my own body.
I can fight with Ed all day long. We can argue, we can go back and forth about what I should eat or not, and 9 times out of 10 now, I win. But with my body , there is no arguing, I simply need to let it win.
I know that if I continue to try to force my body to be on “my plan,” and try to tell it when to be hungry and when not to be hungry, it will be a huge road block to my recovery.
My nutritionist once told me to treat myself as I would treat a 6 year old, and it really stood out to me.
Would I ever let a 6 year old not eat because it wasn’t the right time, even though they were really hungry? no way.
For whatever reason, it is much easier for me to be kinder to a stranger or to a 6 year old than it is for me to be kind to myself, but it’s something that I look forward to improving on.
So body-here you go, you were the last strategic tool Ed was using to hold me in his world, and now, I am going to try to let you win.
You win. You will eat when you are hungry, and I won’t fight you on it.
I guess my main point is that I need to trust my body that it won’t steer me in the wrong direction or make me “fat,” ,and just like trusting any other part of recovery-that is scary, but I will do my best.
Essentially, letting my body win over my strong willed plans for it, is me giving up another part of control over it, and in a way, its a relief.
One less thing I need to try to control-and I hope that the relief that comes with that might one day outweigh the fear of it.
I am ready to let go of this body control, and just break free from it.
Hello to letting go of yet another part of Ed, and hello life.