This morning I woke up to an email from someone very close to me, who while loves more than life itself, who I know would drop everything on his back for the sake of my happiness in a second, very much hurt me, angered me and truly has got my blood boiling inside my body.
In the past, certain family members have brought up the idea of taking medication to deal with Ed, as a way to help lessen the obsessive thoughts.
Time and time again, I have repeated that this is not the path that I would like to choose (even though it can be a great helpful path for others)-for a few reasons-beginning with the fact that these obsessive thoughts are not so obsessive to the point of any kind of medication, and simply because that is not what is the right path for me, as I have decided with E.
I truly do not need to explain it further than that-it is not for me, and I know myself enough to say that.
In the email, they wrote that by not talking about medication on my blog, or letting others recommend things like medication on this blog, that I am possibly wasting your time and staying in my comfort zone with Ed.
This blog is my blog and it is my journey-it is not the journey of others-and not the journey of others ideas or recommendations for me.
While I appreciate the advice that comes through this blog, it is in no way something that I feel I can ever waste people’s time, just because I am being true to myself.
I can’t even describe how hurtful and how frustrating it is, to hear from people so close to me, over and over, how I need to do something, such as take medication, when I have so many times, said that it is not for me, and to say that by not doing so, I am staying in my comfort zone with Ed-unbelievable hurt comes from that.
I am at the place in my recovery, where I am getting to know myself better than anyone else in this world. That is the whole point of recovery-getting to know myself without Ed.
I can’t even say how much it makes my blood boil when other people so close to me, especially those who know how smart and strong I am, tell me that I “need” to do something that I know (and E knows) is not in my best interest.
One of the biggest lessons about my recovery has been learning to set boundaries for myself. It’s been learning to set boundaries with myself with Ed-and letting him know who is in charge of my life-and that is me.
It’s also been about learning to set boundaries with others as well, and in this case, with the email sent today, where that person close to me said that by not taking medication “I am choosing to stay in a comfort zone with Ed,” a huge boundary has been crossed,
I may not know a lot of things about where my recovery is headed, but I do know, that never, not even for a second, have I ever, ever made the choice to stay in my comfort zone with Ed-and choosing to not take medication because it simply does not work for me, is definitely not staying in the comfort zone.
It angers me, frustrates me and hurts me, because since the day I gave up my scale, all I have done is put myself outside of my comfort zone with Ed-and for someone so close and dear to me, to try to tell me that I am not doing that, to try to tell me I am wasting people’s time on my blog and to tell me that I am not going to beat this without medication, is so hurtful I am beyond words.
Maybe it’s not the best idea to write all this raw emotion right now, as it is personal and private because it deals with family-but that is what this blog is about-real recovery.
My boundary will not be crossed again.
I know myself enough to know, that if I say that E and I have decided on something , and that medication is not the best option for me, and if I say I do not want to talk about this subject anymore-that needs to be respected and I will make sure it does.
My family loves me and cares about me, they would kill to see me happy-but it’s time for them to start respecting my boundaries that I am setting for myself, and it will start now by not bringing up this medication issue again-as me and my treatment team know what is best for me. And it hopefully will mean not telling me I am choosing to stay in a comfort zone with Ed because I am taking a different path to recovery than they agree with.
And even though I had to hear today, that I am choosing to stay in the comfort zone with Ed, I know that is the furthest thing from the truth, and I will push right past that false statement.
Hello to being real with myself, hello to setting boundaries when lines have been crossed and hello life.