Good morning everyone,
OK, so this might sound a little crazy and maybe it’s not even true, but I woke up this morning to see a Facebook post someone had shared about Kobe Bryant in which Kobe supposedly said,
“If you see me in a fight with a bear, pray for the bear. That’s mamba mentality-we don’t quit, we don’t cower, we don’t run. We endure and conquer.”
Whether Kobe really said that or not, it doesn’t really matter-but the words in that sentence truly struck me.
Being in recovery for an eating disorder does not just mean eating food again, or gaining weight-those are only the external factors that others might see me going through on a daily basis.
Being in recovery for an eating disorder, at least for me lately, has really been about taking back my life again; not staying home all day and night because I am scared to eat, or not avoiding people because I wasn’t “skinny” enough that day.
It’s about leaving a world full of lies-not only lies about what my body should look like, but about who I am.
It’s about realizing and believing that I am worthy of this life filled with fun, self care,love and respect and that I have the absolute right to be confidant and happy with who I am, just the way I am-even if Ed does not want me to be.
That is where my current struggle lies-letting myself feel confidant with the person I am-and I will tell you all why-because it is scary.
It is scary to let your true self come to light and let the world in on it.
It’s an ironic situation, because I love who is flourishing when Ed is not around. That girl-that Shira-is strong, confidant, and is ready to take on the world, regardless of who is standing next to her or beside her.
Those moments of being that Shira come and go,and sometimes when they do come, I find myself running back to that place with Ed, where I didn’t feel good or worthy, just because it is a safe place to be.
In that place, I’m not vulnerable to others views of me, or perceptions of me, and it gives Ed the power to keep my eyes blinded from the beautiful life waiting for me outside of him.
I loved that in Kobe’s quote, he said “we don’t run, we don’t cower, we endure and conquer.”
I want to adapt this mentality myself.
I will not run from the real me. I will not cower from the real me.
I know that I so badly need to let myself come into the light of others and most importantly myself, and truly let the person that I am emerge-without Ed holding me back telling me I don’t deserve to because my body doesn’t look a certain way.
I can’t even tell you who that person is exactly yet-as learning who I really am without Ed and without those old people in my life who helped me feed Ed, is something I am learning everyday in recovery.
But I can tell you, that person is confidant, vibrant and full of life-and I won’t run from her.
Hello to living as me and not running from it, and hello life.