Good afternoon everyone,
I really am not having the greatest start to my day today.
I went in to see Karen, my nutritionist, and I knew that after the past few days of eating foods that I normally would not eat (some junk food, some theme park food, some sweets), that my body would have some kind of fluctuation.
Karen never talks to me about weight or numbers, but today I asked her about it, for my peace of mind.
I am the kind of person who thrives off facts, and when I can easily spend hours and hours in my own head contemplating how much weight I’ve gained this week-a reality check about the true facts about where I stand right now are sometimes needed.
So, my thoughts and fears about gaining weight were confirmed, yet, it was only 1 pound. In the big picture, this one pound really is nothing.
But in that moment, I felt that one pound defined my entire week. It defined it, it ridiculed it and then it almost ruined it.
I literally sat in that office, holding back tears over this one pound, asking myself if going out with friends and celebrating my brother’s birthday this week (all events circled around food) were really worth it?
In that moment, I honestly thought no.
For that one second, I would have taken back all of those fun moments, genuine laughs and hugs, and replaced it all for being isolated at home with Ed-all for what, for one pound.
I cried on my way home, feeling as pathetic as ever, because to cry over one pound may seem ridiculous, but it was more than that.
It was me crying because I felt disappointed in myself-or maybe it is Ed who is disappointed in me, I am not sure.
No one forced me to eat those food this week. It was my choice. I brought this weight gain upon myself. These are the kind of thoughts that I know can easily consume me for the rest of the day, as they already have for the majority of my morning-but I am going to make the conscience choice to not let that happen.
I am trying to take a step back, and see that while I gained one pound–at the same time, I gained experience with it.
I gained friends. I gained memories with my brother and my family. I gained a little bit more freedom from Ed. I gained a new person in my life. I gained back a little bit of my life as a whole.
Am I disappointed about this weight gain? Yes, I can’t lie an say I am not, because for me, it’s another aspect of control that has been lost over my body.
But can I deal with it? Yes. Will I handle it? Yes.
Because I see now that this is life.
Not every nutritionist appointment will go my way; not every week I will maintain my weight, lose weight, or gain weight-not everything in life will remain static and the same and controlled.
Weeks change, bodies change, weights change, and with it, life changes too- and I guess all I can do is try to go along for the ride.
So what? I gained a pound. Yes, it sucks, and I am uncomfortable with this fact.
But with it, I gained a little bit back of my life too, and to that I can say, hello life.