Day 80: Gaining Back Life

Good afternoon everyone,

I really am not having the greatest start to my day today.

I went in to see Karen, my nutritionist, and I knew that after the past few days of eating foods that I normally would not eat (some junk food, some theme park food, some sweets), that my body would have some kind of fluctuation.

Karen never talks to me about weight or numbers, but today I asked her about it, for my peace of mind.

I am the kind of person who thrives off facts, and when I can easily spend hours and hours in my own head contemplating how much weight I’ve gained this week-a reality check about the true facts about where I stand right now are sometimes needed.

So, my thoughts and fears about gaining weight were confirmed, yet, it was only 1 pound. In the big picture, this one pound really is nothing.

But in that moment, I felt that one pound defined my entire week. It defined it, it ridiculed it and then it almost ruined it.

I literally sat in that office, holding back tears over this one pound, asking myself if going out with friends and celebrating my brother’s birthday this week (all events circled around food) were really worth it?

In that moment, I honestly thought no.

For that one second, I would have taken back all of those fun moments, genuine laughs and hugs, and replaced it all for being isolated at home with Ed-all for what, for one pound.

I cried on my way home, feeling as pathetic as ever, because to cry over one pound may seem ridiculous, but it was more than that.

It was me crying because I felt disappointed in myself-or maybe it is Ed who is disappointed in me, I am not sure.

No one forced me to eat those food this week. It was my choice. I brought this weight gain upon myself. These are the kind of thoughts that I know can easily consume me for the rest of the day, as they already have for the majority of my morning-but I am going to make the conscience choice to not let that happen.

I am trying to take a step back, and see that while I gained one pound–at the same time,  I gained experience with it.

I gained friends. I gained memories with my brother and my family. I gained a little bit more freedom from Ed. I gained a new person in my life. I gained back a little bit of my life as a whole.

Am I disappointed about this weight gain? Yes, I can’t lie an say I am not, because for me, it’s another aspect of control that has been lost over my body.

But can I deal with it? Yes. Will I handle it? Yes.

Because I see now that this is life.

Not every nutritionist appointment will go my way; not every week I will maintain my weight, lose weight, or gain weight-not everything in life will remain static and the same and controlled.

Weeks change, bodies change, weights change, and with it, life changes too- and I guess all I can do is try to go along for the ride.

So what? I gained  a pound. Yes, it sucks, and I am uncomfortable with this fact.

But with it, I gained a little bit back of my life too, and to that I can say, hello life.


3 thoughts on “Day 80: Gaining Back Life

  1. you said: “So what? I gained a pound. Yes, it sucks, and I am uncomfortable with this fact.

    But with it, I gained a little bit back of my life too, and to that I can say, hello life.” I really related to this, as I’m struggling with my own weight now right now as well.
    You’re so strong and such an inspiration. Wishing you all the best and sending hope your way.
    You seem like such an incredible person and you deserve to happy.
    Cheers to life!

  2. Good for you! Geeze I gained a pound in one meal last night. Lol. Trust me I may not be happy about that either but I feel wonderful because it was good food with great company and life is about enjoying! I’m glad you were able to push thru ED to remember that :))

  3. I’m sorry you had a bad day and had to hear disappointing news that made you feel sad, that makes me sad. I know for you it’s a big deal but it’s one pound and even if you went in and she said you gained 20 pounds you’d be as beautiful as ever. Your bound to gain pounds your body needs to gain and it’s healthy to gain its ok ! It’s a good thing… For once your body is starting to feel Alive by eating foods and nutrients it never received before. Wtf is a pound anyways who invented it?? It’s just a stupid number that means absolutely nothing. No one cares about how much we weigh n life no one cares about the number on the cake that appears when we stand on it. What’s remembered is you, when I say you I mean your smile , your laugh, your jokes, memories last and allow us to grow and live life. With memories comes food and meals and that’s just a part of life. Don’t feel sad you gained feel happy you’re finally starting to live a better life. I love you and everyone who Looks at you sees a beautiful and veryyyyyy beautiful girl on the outside whether your now or 30 pounds heavier…. No one notices seriously !!! We look at you we see through these exterior shells that god gave us and we see the sweet smart and funny Shira moskowitz… Love you so much feel better and know that unlike other you are blessed with a beautiful outter shell shell that god has given you with flawless skin, big blue eyes, a cute little nose, silky blonde hair, a petite cute body that is tooo petite ! But that’l adjust itself, an adorable smile and freaking forgoes face that people would die to have !!! You are lucky to be soo beautiful and all of that is besides all the inside strengths and amazing personality you have . Love you

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