As I’ve said before many times, for the past few years, a number on a scale was all I used to validate myself.
Right now, in the place that I am in my recovery, I am really missing that sense of validation.
This whole concept of having to feel validated is something that comes from deep within myself, and it is something I believe every human struggles with on a daily basis.
Everyone wants to feel validated, everyone wants to feel secure and everyone wants to feel accepted.
If I don’t have a number to validate me, and if I don’t have a calorie count to validate me, and if I don’t have a “skinny” body to validate me, then what do I have?
I know that self validation lies far beneath the surface of just physical appearance or numbers, and of course, I know that my values as a person validate me.
I know that my morals validate me.
I know that my perseverance to win this fight, my determination to not give up and my willingness to push through what feels like some of the hardest days of my life, validate me.
Being a daughter, sister, friend, cousin and niece, validate me.
But for whatever reason, those things do not seem to hold as much power in validating who I am as much as my weight did or my body did, and to be honest, I don’t expect them to quite yet.
I wish they could, but I know it is unrealistic to expect that to happen right at this moment because if all I used to validate myself for years was this number, then I can’t expect it to go away over night either.
It’s a hard place to be in because the people in my life who care about me and love me for me, give me this validation every day.
They tell me that I’m smart, beautiful, worthy, and unique-yet for whatever reason, their validation is not enough for me to feel that it is true.
I need to believe these things myself in order for them to truly take root inside me- and only then, will I truly feel self validation.
Getting to actually believe those things about myself will be the hardest part of my recovery.
It will be harder than gaining the weight and it will be harder than eating food, because it comes from the mind and the soul-the two hardest places to find true answers from.
In the mean time when I am on this journey, I know that I need to try to let in the perceptions of myself that other people see.
If my eyes and my heart cannot see it, yet theirs do, I need to try to let that in.
It’s not easy for me to let others into my heart or into my life, because it means exposing my true self-every part of me-my smile, my laughter, my visions and dreams, and even my pain and sadness.
It’s a vulnerable place to be, yet I know if I want to grow and see myself in any other way than just the way Ed has taught me to view myself, I need to let these new perceptions in and try to embrace them.
I know I will have to be strong enough to take the good perceptions with the bad, just until I can get a good enough framework of my own self perception.
My wish is to one day wake up and without even needing to look in the mirror, feel like I am worthy of loving who I am today.
My wish is to one day, by the end of this journey, to be able to validate myself and who I am, without even thinking about weight, or sizes or numbers.
I wish to one day wake up and not even care about how others perceive me and to be in a good enough place that the only opinion that matters of myself, is my own.
But in the mean time, I do need to lean on those positive opinions and views of others, since I do not see what they see yet in myself, and I am going to do my best to let it all in and let it take root inside my heart.
One day of recovery at a time, I am and will make my very own wishes come true, and to that I can say, “hello life.”