Good afternoon all,
Being the greatest big sister in the world yesterday, and not letting Ed get in the way of it, was incredible.
My twin sister and brother and I, laughed, talked, hugged and ate together.
But with that, comes my struggle today.
Since Saturday, all the way up until yesterday, I have been really putting myself out of my comfort zone.
I’ve been going out with friends, going out to eat with friends, and even yesterday, eating with my brother and sister–and of course, none of these foods are “safe” foods for me.
On Saturday I felt strong, I felt good that I was able to eat what I wanted and crush Ed. I even gave myself credit the next day for doing so.
Yesterday, I felt proud to be eating churros, hamburgers and a giant turkey leg in front of my little brother, because I felt he was proud of me.
But today, I am already feeling the urge to “fix” all of these “bad” days of eating that I’ve done.
When I used to restrict, as you all know, I would use Sunday’s as my day to eat, calling it “fat Sunday,” and then starting Monday, I would fix all the damage I did by restricting food. This cycle was comfortable for me, because it always worked.
I could gain up to four pounds on one “fat Sunday,” and then by the end of the week be 8 pounds less than that.
Ed’s rules worked and they got the results on the scale that I wanted.
I know that I cannot go back and restrict today- more than just know it, it is like a solid fact.
I just won’t do it. But just because I know I won’t and can’t do it, doesn’t mean my desire to isn’t there.
So, I went and found the letter that I wrote to Ed about a month or so, and I re-read it to myself, as a reminder about who Ed is, what he did to me, and how he took away my freedom to live life.
Because on days like today, where restricting looks like something that would give me a sense of control, a sense of happiness or a sense of calm, Ed can look pretty damn good.
I am going to re- post that letter here today, so I can refer back to it as many times as I need to today whenever I begin to over think about the food I ate in the past few days and the urges to make it all better.
I forgive you.
I forgive you for trying to come into my mind, my body and my soul, and trying to destroy my spirit with unhealthy ideas of who I should be or what I should look like.
I forgive you, not because I have to, but because I want to; because I know you meant to comfort me-you meant to help me when I felt I had no one else.
But I don’t need you anymore, Ed. I don’t need you, and I forgive you for making me think that I did for so long.
I forgive you for silently slipping yourself into the deepest part of my soul and making yourself a bed there for the past few years.
I forgive you for making me feel I am not enough. I forgive you for telling me I need to be a certain number on a scale in order to be beautiful or worthy.
I forgive you for the moments where you didn’t let me stand up for myself because I didn’t follow your restrictive food plan that day, or because I wasn’t “skinny” enough that day.
I forgive you for the days where that number on the scale was the first thing I saw in the morning and the last thing I saw at night.
I forgive you for making me weigh myself the morning of my birthday and letting that number determine how much cake I would let myself eat that day and what I would order that night at dinner.
I forgive you for the countless family events you distracted me from, the endless nights of sleep you took from me before I would wake up to weigh myself, the several hours you made me spend sick in the bathroom, and the hundreds of times you punished me for eating with your dark and deceitful lies about the beauty of starvation.
I forgive you for controlling the majority of the past two years of my life, and I forgive you for continuing to try to fight for the upcoming years of my life (and believe me, you will not win).
I forgive you for the upcoming days in my recovery that you will try to sabotage.
In some ways, forgiving you feels like a huge loss to me. You were all I knew.
I will forgive you, grieve your loss, and I will move on and continue my life freely without you.
Even by just reading this letter right now, I am already reminded of who Ed really is.
He is not my friend, he is not my truth; he is a source of fake happiness that I once created for myself when I was in need of comfort, direction and predictability in my life.
The more I strive to pursue true genuine happiness and freedom, the less and less I need Ed.
Maybe today I feel I need him a little more than usual, and that is alright-I might think that, but I will not act upon it.
That letter is a huge self reminder about who Ed is and how he trapped me in a world of darkness, and I don’t care how many times I need to re post it or re-read it, I will never let myself forget his true identity.
More than that, I will not let myself forget the beautiful person I am, and the strong identity I have when Ed is not controlling me.
Now that I am falling in love with the person I am without Ed, even on a day like today, where he is calling my name, he can never bring me back to being his prisoner.
I love myself too much to take 20 steps back now. Instead, I will push through today and take another 10 steps forward.
After this post and after reading my letter, Ed is not looking as good as he did this morning and I already feel stronger.
Hello to not blinding myself from who Ed really is, hello to reminding myself of the dark place I used to live in and how far I’ve come, and hello life.