Good afternoon everyone,
I finally did it. I finally let myself feel good yesterday.
I went to the mall, I looked around, I had great quality time with my cousin, and I actually bought something that I truly felt good in.
I loved every moment of it. I loved picking it out, trying it on, buying it for myself, and then knowing I have it to wear whenever I please.
I went out last night with some friends and I knew that we would eat sometime during the night.
I would be lying if I said it didn’t make me nervous, because it very much did.
I was trying to plan out in my mind how to get out of it, what excuse I would make and where at the table I could sit so no one would notice if I ate or not.
But, when the time came to eat, I didn’t feel that anxiety being so strong anymore.
Yes, it was there and Ed was there, but it was not overwhelming and it was not what I used to make my decisions about eating in that moment.
I was there with friends. I was there, I was present, I was out, and Ed was not allowed to ruin that for me.
So, I ate. I ate with my friends-and I ate what I wanted, how much I wanted, and for a second last night, I just let go of Ed.
When we were driving home, I was telling my friend the only reason I think that I was able to eat and be free last night was because of the people I was with, because they make me feel comfortable.
But instead, my friend said to me, “No, it’s not the people, it’s you. You made the choice to eat and have fun. You did it. Give yourself some credit.”
It really made me think for a moment, because throughout my whole recovery, I’ve credited my family, my friends, my support team and E for helping bring me to the place I am at, but never have I really credited myself.
It’s uncomfortable for me to think that I am the one who has brought myself to this point in my recovery. I am not sure why, but its easier to credit other people.
But in truth, I am the one who has brought myself through the dark deep trenches of recovery and I am the one who makes the minute by minute choice to stay committed to it.
My friends, family and support team are my arms and legs, but I am the body who is dictating the moves.
And so today, I think it’s finally time for me to take a moment, and give myself some credit.
To my dear self, I am proud of you for going out last night, for eating with your friends, for going to the mall and buying something that you feel good in, and most importantly, I am so profoundly proud at you for pushing through your sadness, your tears and your grief about your old unhealthy eating disordered life, and not letting it get in the way of your recovery.
I am proud of you for not going back to old Ed approved ways of living on Thursday and Friday even when you so wanted to. I am proud of you for standing up for yourself, putting your needs first, and learning how to take care of yourself,
Yup, I am literally saying out loud to myself, “good job, Shira.”
Why? Because I think I finally deserve to hear it.
It’s my turn to take credit for bringing myself into my 76th day of recovery from an eating disorder.
I have so much pride right now, because I know that when I say “hello life” today, I am saying hello to the new life that I am creating for myself, and that brings me strength and hope to know that I can do that for myself.
Good job to myself on 76 days of recovery, and hello life.