Good morning everyone,
After spending an incredibly hard two days feeling sad and trying to grieve my old eating disordered life and the unhealthy sense of happiness that came with it, I am ready to move on with my recovery.
While I tried to give myself permission to just cry yesterday, I felt that the second I told myself to actually feel my sadness and cry, my body would not let me.
I’m always the one who keeps things together; I am the one who is strong.
And maybe just because my heart wants to let me break a little bit (because I know it needs to eventually), my subconscious is just so trained not to, that is simply is not ready yet.
On that note, I know that my sadness and grief will return, and when it does, it might be ready for my heart to cry and feel the effects of my internal sadness-but for today, I am moving on with recovery.
I am going to go to the mall and buy something that makes me feel good.
No pants or jeans-just something, maybe a shirt or dress, that I hope I can feel good and confidant in.
I am not saying that new clothes will change my skewed perception of how I look in them, but there is a possibility it might help to have something new that I can’t compare to how it fit me when I was not healthy.
Maybe even though I could not let myself fully cry yesterday, I can say that I did let myself feel my sadness.
I felt it in my heart, I felt it when I looked in the mirror and I felt it weigh me down all day.
There was a moment yesterday where I told E that I literally felt Ed was laying down on my heart-a place that before yesterday, he had never touched.
Ed has tainted my body, my soul, and my mind-but never, did I let him come and touch my heart.
The minute he got hold of my heart, is the minute I began to doubt myself and to doubt that I could actually do recovery.
But I made the choice right then and there in that exact moment, to remove Ed from my heart and place him somewhere else.
I can handle Ed being part of me, but I can’t have him be a part of my heart-my heart is my protection and it is my source of determination and strength.
I don’t have anything else to say today except for the fact that while I am not happy to go to the mall and try on clothes, I am happy that I am doing something positive for myself.
I am happy that instead of restricting and going back to unhealthy ways of coping with emotions yesterday, I actually let myself feel my own pain and walk through it as best I can right now.
I’ve walked through my sadness (at least for now) and I’ve walked through my pain, and now I will open my own door to the next day in my recovery.
Hello to moving on with recovery and hello life.