Good morning everyone,
After having a very sad day yesterday filled with many tears, I literally stayed up all night-which is partially the reason as to why I am wring today’s post so early.
Yesterday, I was sad almost all day and all night long.
This sadness started with trying those jeans on in the morning, then it carried itself into trying on my nice going out clothes later in the afternoon, and then it just flooded my entire night.
I wake up this morning still feeling the heavy and lonely sadness I felt all yesterday and last night.
There are even parts of me questioning how I thought I could really do recovery in the first place.
I remember a moment yesterday, when I was just sitting on my bed crying, just thinking to myself, that these are the saddest tears that I have ever cried.
Because for the first time, they were not tears about someone else and they were not tears because someone else hurt me-they were tears that stemmed from within me-from within my very own darkness, from within my own loneliness, and from within my own emptiness.
I am not sad about my meal plan, I am not sad about the food I need to eat, and I am not even that sad about the changes in my body.
I am sad about the fact that I am losing the body I once felt good in; I am sad that I very rarely get to feel good in my clothes anymore.
I am sad that I am not feeling confidant right now and I am sad that I am losing control over the skinny unhealthy body that was my only source of happiness for so long.
I am sad that the one thing I always knew would make me happy no matter what, (restricting and then seeing a “good” number on the scale and in turn feeling skinny), is now gone from my life.
I am almost devastated that it will never come back.
I know that it is a good thing that it will never come back, and that in time, I will have (and have already even created) new sources of happiness-but for today, I am grieving the loss of my old life.
I am grieving the loss of my old sources of happiness that I have 100% chosen to strip myself of in exchange for a free and fulfilling life.
As pathetic as this may sound, I am even sad about being sad.
I can sit here and say how I know I have the power to turn this sadness around, and how I do not need to be sad, but I would not be speaking genuinely and truthfully.
Right now, I am sad and I want to let myself be sad.
I have a midterm to take later on today, and I could not even study how I needed to yesterday because I was so focused on trying to hold myself together and stop crying, that I let all my energy escape me.
When I am done with this midterm at 5 pm, I am going to finally let myself be sad.
While I usually spend every Friday night with my family, I feel like tonight I need a night to myself to truly let myself feel what I need to feel.
I want to cry and let myself grieve the loss of my old life and the loss of my dearest enemy Ed, without anyone there but me.
I don’t expect people to understand why I am sad that I am leaving an unhealthy imprisoned life for a better and more free life, because of course, it would make logical sense to be happy about that-but in this moment, that happiness is being clouded by grief.
I want to be alone today-but not alone with Ed. This is a different kind of wanting to be alone.
This is me truly wanting to be alone with myself, with my thoughts, and with my strength, and then later, be able to take the necessary time to put myself back together.
No one could have warned me about this kind of grief.
No one could have told me that I would not only grieve and mourn the loss of my eating disordered body, but that I would have to grieve the loss of my old sources of happiness.
I am blessed to have great family and friends who I know will stand by me through my sadness, through my fears, through my skewed perception of myself and through my recovery as a whole.
I am blessed to have a dad who called me the other day just to say he loved me.
I am blessed to have a mom who came and gave me the best hug before I went to sleep last night because she knew I had a bad day.
I am blessed to have a best friend who is always there for me.
But even though I am aware of these blessings, I still don’t feel like facing the world today, but I need to.
I need to go see my trainer, I need to go see E, and I need to go take my test-and when I am done with all of that, I am going to come home and face my own emotions of sadness.
I don’t even have any uplifting “hello life” sentences to end with today.
So, I will just say that I am thankful that I woke up this morning.
I woke up and I am sad yet I am alive-and that will just have to be enough for me today to be able to find a little bit of hope and say to myself, “hello life.”