I did not have the greatest start to my day today.
As I was getting dressed, I was looking through my jeans and deciding which ones to wear, when all of the sudden, this urge to just go and try on every single pair took over me.
This urge to try on all my clothes has been happening much more frequently lately and I think it’s because it truly is my last resort on how to measure my body without a scale.
I don’t know why these urges happen out of no where, I don’t know why they happen when they do, and I don’t know why I always give into them.
Just how I would stand on my scale five, six or even seven times in a row in the middle of the night, I now try on my clothes at random times of the day; it is pure impulse.
It is Ed trying to suck me back into his world, and in those moments where I try on those clothes, I am surrendering to him.
At least this morning, I had a nutritionist appointment I had to get to, so I didn’t have time to try on more than two pairs.
I wish I could say I am not mad at myself for putting myself through that this morning, because of course, the pants never fit me like I want them to and it truly is self cruelty.
But, I am mad at myself for it.
I’ve had such a great few days where I’ve been kind to myself, compassionate and understanding of my wants and need and now, the minute Ed tried to knock me out, I felt like for that one second, I put my hands down and let him strike me right in the face.
But that second is now over and that moment has now passed. I am back home now and have studying to do for a midterm tomorrow.
I can go back and finish trying on the rest of my clothes, or I can find the fighter within me, resist the urge and chose to study and be productive.
I’ve had a nice few “free” days of overwhelming Ed thoughts and behaviors.
But now, I can feel him coming back to fight for my soul and my loyalty again-and it all started this morning with trying on those jeans.
I can sit on the sidelines and watch Ed defeat me, watch him distract me from my studying with his taunting voice about how tight my jeans are and about how the nutritionist was wrong this morning when she said my weight is not going up-
Or, I can choose to put my gloves on, get back in the ring, and destroy Ed’s tiny, punitive and destructive self.
If Ed wants to fight, he will have to chose another day, because today, I am choosing to be productive instead of wallow in his prison of lies and self destruction.
No more trying on jeans today. No more surrendering to Ed today.
The fighter in me is back, and we’re ready to win.
Hello to winning the battle of my freedom, and hello life.