Day 71: Living In The Clear

Good afternoon everyone,

Since yesterday, I’ve spent some time looking back at how life used to be when I was only living-or should I say existing, through the rigid and dark world of my eating disorder.

I could go on and on about the constraints, restrictions and unhealthy physical things that went along with that imprisoned world, but what stood out to me the most when I was reflecting back on how things used to be, was this constant state of fog that I used to live in.

I can literally remember entire months and specific days over the past two years where I can only recall one thing : my weight that day.

My weight was like this heavy fog that was always circulating itself around me, wrapping itself around my heart and my body.

It kept me so closed inside of its thick barriers that for a long time, I could not see a way out.

I can remember birthdays, family occasions and dinners with friends, where all I thought about was food and weight-over and over again. What would this food do to me? How would it affect my number on the scale tomorrow? What would people think if I didn’t eat right now?

The thoughts that I had were endless. The more I lived inside my own world with Ed, the more fog surrounded me.

I can recall a time last year when I had a midterm for a Saturday class.

Instead of studying, I worked out the night before, and even the morning of the test . It was 5 a.m., and I remember being at the gym knowing I should be studying but I just couldn’t.

I remember taking tests in school with my mind being so out of focus because all I could think about was how hungry I was, how dizzy I was, and how drained I was.

Life with Ed as my best friend meant a life of fog.

But now-now that I am learning how to use my voice over Ed’s voice, and now that I am able to challenge his destructive lies that I once believed were truths, I am able to see clear.

While there are definitely some days in my recovery, actually many days in my recovery, where Ed has been loud, strong, and more dominate in my life than ever, I feel that I am able to fight him with all my strength because that fog that once surrounded me with that number on a scale is now gone.

Even if Ed tries to tell me I am fat, or I should not eat, or that not eating will bring me happiness, calmness and peace, I no longer have that number of what I weigh to validate if what he is saying is true or not.

Getting rid of my scale for an entire year has truly let me begin to see what life is like while living in the clear.

What I mean by living in the clear, is by living in a world that is transparent.

Nothing is blocked off by this heavy dark fog anymore.

My personality is not blocked by this fog anymore.

My heart is not devoted to someone who didn’t appreciate me anymore

The appearance of my soul and all that it has to offer to me and the world has literally taken over the space where that fog of what I weighed once was.

I love living in the clear.

Living in the clear means living without secrets.

It means living as me

It means exposing Ed in the bright daylight, and fighting him head on.

Living in the clear means I can focus on my studying now; I am not dizzy in class anymore, and more importantly, I have the desire to take care of me.

I hope that fog of a number validating who I am never comes back to suffocate me ever again because now that I see how incredible it is to live in the clear, I am not sure I can ever go back.

Hello to living in the clear and hello life.

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