Day 99: Haunting Memories

Good morning everyone,

Today I woke up and I just felt like being outside . I wanted to clear my mind.

I decided to come to a hiking spot I used to go to when Ed and I were living as one being .

This is the first time that I have ever come to this spot without the intention to burn calories and instead to just to be with nature .

It’s also the first time I’ve been here since I have been in recovery .

I sit here now writing this post from a rock on the trail where I have a view of the entire valley . But my entire walk up to this resting point has been full of haunting memories.

I remember coming here every Monday to do a multiple mile hike in order to try to fix “fat Sundays”

I remember the dizziness I felt.

Every step I took on this trail came with a haunting memory. It was like I was reliving those feelings and moments of darkness all over again.

I remember a time where I brought my little brother here on a Saturday morning.

He was tired after 10 minutes, but I made him go to the top with me anyway .

I told him it was a lesson in not giving up, but that was not true.

It was me listening to Ed telling me that I needed to burn more calories, even if it meant pushing my little brother to the top , past his exhaustion .

I’m crying right now as I think back on that memory . I hate Ed for making me into that person . I hate him for putting my brother through that .

Never, ever again in my life, will I let that happen again and these tears that I am crying right now will be a witness to that .

I am sitting right now at the bottom of a big hill I used to go up .

When I got here , Ed told me to go up this hill . Not all the way he said, just a little .

But I know that there is never a half way with Ed. It’s all or nothing .

I wanted to go up this hill so badly, but I knew if I did it would be the creation of another haunting Ed memory and I don’t want that .

Instead , I chose to sit down and write this post .

I had no idea that coming back to this spot today would bring me back so many memories .

I am looking around and I see so many beautiful trees and I can smell the freshness and purity in the nature around me.

These are things I never even knew existed when I hiked here with Ed, and it’s beautiful to be able to finally see them.

This experience of literally walking through those memories of Ed and I at this spot was not easy, but it was beautiful, because now I can let those memories go .

There is an entire world out there just waiting for me to create new memories for myself . Memories filled with freedom, self acceptance and strength .

Hello to leaving these haunting memories behind me, hello to creating new memories and hello life .

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Day 98: Winning My Monday

Good morning everyone,

The minute I woke up this morning, I whispered to myself, “today will be a good day.”

I have had a rough few days struggling and accepting the amount of food I’ve been eating and the way my body looks, but today is a new day and it’s a new week and I am ready to make it the best that it can be.

I will go to school today, I will go to work today, and I will be productive today, even with the discomfort I am feeling about my body.

I will do it because I want to.

I want to be happy today, I want to smile today and I want to thrive today.

Today will be a good day and this week will be a good week.

I have a feeling that something really great is about to come my way.

I am not sure what it is, but I know that if I let myself get sucked back into Ed, I will not be able to receive whatever great things come my way this week.

I am actually excited to give myself these self affirmations and I am excited to show Ed that I can and will continue to grow stronger, better, and wiser without him living inside me.

I want to  forget about the food-forget about the calories-forget about the clothes and my body–the important thing is that it is Monday and it will be the greatest Monday I’ve had in a while because I am choosing to make it that way.

I don’t need Ed to tell me I deserve to be happy today because I am a number on a scale, and I don’t need Ed to tell me that I don’t deserve to be happy today because I do not know what I weigh or because I let myself eat.

All I need is me telling myself that not only is it OK to want to be happy today, but that I am capable of making that happen and I am deserving of it.

I am a winner, and I will be the winner of my own Monday. Me-not Ed.

I will make sure today will be a great day.

If I come across bumps, I will ride over them.

If I come across Ed, I will quiet him, and if I come across self doubt, I will remind myself that I am 98 days into recovery and that nothing can or will stop me from winning back my freedom from Ed now.

Hello to knowing that I will make today great, and hello life.

 

 

Day 97: Venting

Hello everyone ,

So I am sitting here waiting to get my car fixed (yet again) and I just feel so full.

I ate last night at 3 am when I got home because I was hungry . I even ate dinner before that too . And now I’m mad about it all.

I’m mad that I’m full . And I’m mad that last night I had to change my outfit because the shirt I wore showed things on my body I didn’t like . I’m not used to feeling this way when I get dressed.

I’m not used to having to see things I don’t like about my body and not being able to control them .

I even am eating even more than what’s on the meal plan and I’m mad about that too.

I really don’t think I can go back , even if my brain wants to my physical body won’t let me and truthfully, I won’t let me .

Even though I’m proud of myself for not letting myself go back to those Ed restricted days, I am mad about it too . It feels like I want to do something but I can’t .

I know if I were to weigh myself today it would send me so far back into Ed that I would never come out , so I’m thankful I made the commitment to be scale free for a year .

But I have to tell you the truth and say today is one of those days where I wish I knew what I weighed . Its almost as If knowing that would be my ticket back to starvation .

I apologize for the ranting or venting I am doing today but I just feel I need to get this off my chest.

I’m mad about what recovery is doing to my body today . Maybe tomorrow I won’t be mad anymore , but today I am .

But I would still rather be mad about the discomfort of recovery than be mad about the fact that I let myself eat today , because those were dark days.

I will be mad a little bit today and I am sure ill be frustrated . But I will survive , I will thrive and I will still be here tomorrow .

Being mad or uncomfortable will not kill me, but going back to Ed will.

So I will be mad everyday if I have to and I will vent as much as I need, but I will not go back .

Hello anger , I’m sure well be spending some time together . But at the same time, we will be spending time with recovery too and to that I say hello life.

Day 96: Walking Through Temptation

Good morning everyone,

For the past few Saturday’s, I kind of started a ritual of waking up , eating breakfast, and then trying on all my clothes.

Why do I do this on Saturday? I don’t really know.

I actually did it yesterday too when I took my clothes out of the dryer. Knowing that pants shrink after they are dried, I took the two pairs of jeans in there and tried them on. It was impulsive and unkind to myself. But that was yesterday and I’ve moved on.

So now, here I am , Saturday morning, post-breakfast, and really feeling the urge to go and try on  my pants again, like I always do. I don’t want to try them to make myself feel bad, and I don’t want to try them to hear what Ed has to say about them.

I want to try them because I feel like if I don’t, I’m running away from the “truth,” of the uncomfortable changes my body is going through.

But, I told E that this Saturday I will not try on the pants and that instead, I will write about how I get through those emotions and feelings that I am feeling when I am walking through the temptation to try them on.

Because E is on a vacation, I am not going to call her and tell her that I have decided to not do this,and therefore, I am  accountable to actually do this experiment or exercise.

I am not sure how long this temptation to try everything on will last, but I will document it the whole time and hopefully by the end, I will feel stronger for it.

Here we go.

It’s 10:56 am: I really really really want to try on my pants right now. There are two in particular I am thinking of. I wonder if they will fit me how they fit last week?

10:57 am: I feel I need to get up and move. I need to tap my fingers or move my toes, but I won’t get out bed, the place I am writing this post, because I know if I do, I will walk straight over to my clothes.

10:58 am: I will listen to music instead. One song, just one song of no getting up and no trying on clothes.

11:01 am: This song is useless. Really, what if the clothes don’t fit the same? How will I not know the truth?  How do I know what to wear today, or tonight, or tomorrow? This is an escape from the truth.

11:03 am: I am going to play a song that I know gives me inspiration and hope. It’s called I’ve Been Looking For you by Kirk Franklin. It’s about finding that higher power that pulls you through bad times.

11:05 am: “When they thought my world was coming to an end, all the time you knew, that I would make it through,”-this line in the song just lifted me up. Yes, I will make it through. I can do this. I can so do this.  Stupid clothes. I can do this.

11:06 am: “That’s for the struggle, that’s for the pain, that’s for those dark nights,”-another part of this song that just moved me. My struggle, my pain, my dark nights-not giving into this temptation that Ed is luring me with is fighting back against those struggles, pain, and dark nights.

11:08 am: The song ends by saying, “All things work together.” Right now, I need all things to work together. I need my strength, I need my dedication to my recovery and I need my knowledge and wisdom of knowing that not trying on these clothes is another big step in my recovery and I’ll be proud of myself for it.

11:09 am: I am going to listen to this song again, yup, again, and as many times as I need to.

11:10 am: The temptation to go run and try on all my clothes is slowly fading . I still am not moving out of this bed, but I can feel less anxiety, and I’m not as nervous about it.

11:11 am: OK, but seriously, now I don’t know anything about how they will fit. And I guess I am not going to know that for today. I need to accept the fact that I will not know how the clothes will fit today. Ok, I am accepting that and moving on with it.

11:12 am: So, I won’t know. My biggest fear is not knowing. But I do know what clothes I have that I will feel good in, and so maybe I can just stick to those for today.

11:13 am: Decision made. Sticking to the clothes I feel good in. No going back now.

11:14 am: The song is done playing for the second time in a row now, and I am starting to feel better. Even though my urge to try those clothes are still here, I know I won’t do it now, because I just told myself the decision has been made not to and to stick to  the clothes I feel good in. Thankfully for me, this is where my black and white thinking come in useful; once I make a decision I don’t go back, it’s final.

11:15 am: Deep breath. I can do this . I started at 10:56 am, it is now 11:15, that is 19 whole minutes of me sitting with the discomfort of fighting Ed and his temptations, and I did it. Damn right Ed, I did it.

I’m not saying the urge to give into Ed’s temptations is gone, because it’s not, but my urge to stay true to myself and to my recovery is present now too, and that will keep me from giving into him.

19 minutes . 19 minutes of myself that I just won back from Ed.

Actually, it’s been 96 days and 19 minutes that I’ve won back from Ed, and this is only the beginning.

Thank you for taking the time to go through these 19 minutes with me, as never felt I was alone in them, because I know this blog is surrounded with so much hope and support.

Hello to knowing that I can beat Ed even in the face of his temptations, hello to being strong, and hello life .

Day 95: Trusting The Facts

Hello everyone,

As you all know,yesterday was not an easy day for me, as Ed was a little bit more talkative than he had been in the past week or so.

Unfortunately, today is no different.

Even after my workout with my trainer, and even after trying to give myself affirmations of self love all morning, I find that I just am not comfortable in my skin today.

There was a point in my recovery where on a day like this, I would only be able to sit here and just think about how terrible I feel and I would not be able to do anything else.

But I feel like I have reached a point in my recovery now, where I can sit here, acknowledge how I feel, and then try to challenge those thoughts and feelings with truths and with facts.

So, instead of getting lost in Ed’s vicious cycle and going in circles all day about what I need to change, how I need to change it, and how bad I think I look, I am going to trust the facts that I know are true, since my perceptions of the way I see myself are not a trusted source of information for me just yet.

Fact: I have been sticking to my meal plan, and the meal plan is healthy for me.

Fact: I need to stick to the meal plan, and I know exactly what to do.

Fact: I cannot trust my own eyes, at least not yet.

Fact: My nutritionist would not put me on a meal plan that is not good for me.

Fact: I trust my team.

Fact: By sticking to my meal plan and to my recovery, I am winning back another day of freedom that I lost to Ed.

Fact: I will get through today.

That is pretty much all I have to say today.

I need to trust what I know, not what I think, and I know that I need to follow the meal plan, I know that when I do follow it, I feel much better about myself and that by following it, I am slowly killing Ed.

I am going to try to forget my skewed perceptions of myself that Ed has taken so much time to create and I am going to try to focus on the beautiful day that is ahead of me, and not on my physical shell that holds the soul inside me.

I know I can do recovery, and I know I can do recovery again today because I will not give up on myself, and to that I can say, hello life.

Day 94: Hello Again Ed

Good afternoon everyone,

Ed has definitely made a slight come back for himself today.

Last night, for whatever reason, I had a sweet tooth, and I let myself eat dessert. To me, it felt like a lot of dessert.

The day before that I even had chicken that was breaded and fried.

None of this was bothering me too much, up until this morning.

When I woke up at 7 a.m., and discovered that I was too tired to go on the run that I had planned on going on last night as I was eating the cake, Ed literally woke up from his day dream and became very much alive again.

We did our body check together this morning-twice. And we took pictures in my phone to see what I looked like in my outfit.

But, when it came time to eat breakfast and then lunch (which was literally about 10 minutes ago), I pushed Ed off my shoulder for those few minutes and I stuck to my meal plan and fed my body, and therefore I fed my mind and soul too.

I could sit here and ramble on about how uncomfortable I feel in my body today, and how fearful and scary it has been to eat according to the meal plan today, but that is not what I want to do.

Instead, I want to focus on the fact that yesterday, I ate dessert-yes, more than I would like, but I ate it because I wanted it and I did not binge on it.

I didn’t take a laxative afterwards like I would have done when I was fully immersed in Ed, and I didn’t go and run to the gym, and I didn’t skip any meals today, and that makes me feel so proud of myself.

When I used to weigh myself, I had this cycle every week, where I would starve all week to weigh myself on Friday, and then Sunday’s were my “fat day,” or the day that I would binge.

For whatever reason, I felt like I was trapped back in that cycle this week where I wanted to eat “healthy,” so on the weekend I could feel good.

But “healthy,” to me and Ed is not truly healthy for me, and therefore, I did not do that.

I stuck to my meal plan and I stayed true to my recovery.

I know that not everyday I will feel this way, but for today, I am feeling like a victim of Ed’s wrath. But I once heard a quote and it is sticking out to me today.

The quote said,

“You don’t need to attend every argument your invited to.”

And that is what I have been doing so far today with Ed.

I know  he is here, I said hello to him, and that is it.

He is inviting me to argue with him about calories, food, and the way my body looks, but I am choosing to not attend this argument.

So, hello again Ed, I see you are here, but that is the full extent of the attention you will be getting from me today.

While your invitation to obsess about calories and weight and body all day does not look so bad because it is quite familiar, it looks like a dark hole waiting to grab me and suck me in , and I am deciding to decline the invite.

I will love myself today and I will continue to nourish my body today.

I will stay true to my recovery today, even with Ed here laughing and pointing fingers at me the entire time.

Alright recovery, let’s give today all we’ve got.

Hello to not attending every argument that Ed invites me to today, and hello life.

Day 93: Getting An Award

Good morning everyone,

A little over a month ago, I got a call from my school telling me that I was nominated to receive an award. It was a crazy day the day I got that  call and I just blew it off.

Since then, I got multiple emails and follow up calls asking if I am going to the ceremony, and I kept saying no.

I couldn’t figure out who in the faculty nominated me for this award and why I was getting it. I didn’t want to stand up in front of all these people and get recognized.

But two nights ago, when I got another email asking me to describe myself so the announcer can properly introduce me and when she said only 20 out of 800 students are getting this award, I decided that I need to go.

I tried to forget that she said only 20 of 800 get this award-I tried to forget that it actually made me happy to be recognized for something other than being “skinny,”-I tried to forget I was excited.

But I sit here this morning, and even though the ceremony is not until later in May, I am excited.

Whoever nominated me for that award didn’t nominate me because I am a certain number on a scale, they didn’t nominate me because they thought I am skinny, and they didn’t even nominate me because they know I am in recovery for an eating disorder or because I write this blog.

They nominated me because of my academic standing, because of the example I set and because for whatever reason, they saw something in me that others did not see that they thought deserved rewarding.

But the real reward in getting this award isn’t the award itself, its the fact that I am going to get myself out of my comfort zone and push myself.

I am going to force myself to let this person acknowledge me and my accomplishments, even though I have tended to hide myself for so many years behind Ed.

I can only bring one person to the ceremony,  and I want that to be my little brother, because I feel out of all the people in the world, it’s most important for him to be able to see me accept this award, for him to see me be proud of myself.

I am sure by the time the actual ceremony comes I will not want to go anymore because the idea of getting recognized for something good I’ve done is already making me not want to go, but I know I need to.

It’s a vital part of recovery.

Opening my eyes to the ways other see me instead of just the way I see myself is a huge part of recovery .

I deserve to get this award and be acknowledged for something that has nothing at all to do with numbers, weight, or even recovery.

This will be another step outside of my comfort zone, and by the time that ceremony happens, I will make sure I am going to go, whether I am ready or not.

I am excited and I feel proud, and to that I can say, hello life.