Day 68: Feeling Big

Hello everyone,

My date night yesterday could not have turned out any better.

Instead of me eating dinner alone, my sister decided to come join me, and I am so glad that she did.

Looking back on yesterday, I don’t know if I could have had date night by myself yet.

It was even hard having it with my sister.

I think I asked her about four times if she thought I was eating too much bread. But she supported me and she stuck with me through it all.

For whatever reason, Saturday’s seem to be becoming the hardest days of my week.

Last Saturday, I woke up, and within 2 minutes, I was trying on the one dress I told myself I would not try on because I knew it wouldn’t fit the same.

This morning, I woke up and as I was getting dressed, I just felt so big; well, big and huge. I don’t know how to sugar coat it or put it any other way.

I feel uncomfortable in my clothes and I feel like my old “skinny” Ed controlled self is still hiding inside me trying to come out and take over this new healthier body that is transforming in front of my eyes everyday.

Right now, I can’t even say I am happy about the fact that I am becoming “healthier” because it makes me not be able to look at myself in the mirror. It makes me want to cry. It makes me not want to leave the house today.

It is literally like I am walking in a body that I do not feel is mine right now yet I know that it is, and that angers me at the moment.

Why am I stuck with this new body that I did not choose? Why am I stuck with this new body that I do not accept?

Why can’t I just get healthy and be accepting of my new body?

I am trying to view today as God presenting me with another small test that I need to pass (just like the small tests I wrote about last Sunday).

But to be honest, I really feel I’ve passed enough tests for the week. Why is it necessary for me to really pass another one?

I just want a break from feeling uncomfortable in my skin, and a minute to feel good.

I can sit here and wallow and pity myself for the remainder of this post and for the remainder of my day,and therefore let Ed become big again.

I could easily feed him with my anger, sadness, self pity and frustration.

While that would the easiest thing to do, it is not a choice I am willing to make.

If I can get out of this house today and step outside of my own eating disordered, feeling huge world, it would definitely be another blow to Ed, and another step towards my freedom from him.

It is one thing to go out when I am feeling emotionally good or physically good, but is a whole other thing to go out when I just feel straight out big and uncomfortable. This is where my real challenge lies ahead of me today.

But I will step outside myself and this overwhelming feeling of “bigness,” or discomfort that I feel, and I will go and see my beautiful grandma and my mom.

I will go and find a way to navigate life today, even with Ed tormenting me and whispering how huge I am in my ear the entire time.

I am not even going to be mad at myself for feeling what I feel today because in the bigger picture, the point is, that even though I am feeling physically horrible, I am finding a way to step over it and move on with my day, and that makes me feel proud of myself.

I am moving on with my day, even with Ed here.

I am moving on with another day of recovery, and to that I can say, “hello life.”

Date night :

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3 thoughts on “Day 68: Feeling Big

  1. Last night was the best dinner I’ve had in while !!! Loved it and loved my time with you :))) so fun and sooo good ! Have a god day today you’re beautiful !

  2. Congrats on taking action against Ed! It is so hard, I know! You will, eventually, become comfortable and like your new body. I promise you it will happen, it’s hard being patient. There were so many days where I just wanted to wake up at my recovered weight, but it doesn’t work that way. I now know that wouldn’t have helped at all either. The closer you get to being at your “set point” the harder it is to not relapse. I am not saying this to discourage you, but to let you know you need to really push and keep going at this point! After a while the thoughts and feelings start going away. I never in a million years would have thought that I could be so happy and ED free. I been eating disordered for 20 years! Sometimes the ED was very active, sometimes I thought I was better, I now know I was never really recovered. This is the first time in my life that I don’t want to lose weight. I can honestly look in the mirror and love what I see. You will get there! Stay strong! I believe in you!

  3. So glad you were able to take yet another step in your recovery today. That’s what it’s all about, Shira. It’s just one step at a time…and being kind to yourself. And you did that by getting out of the house today and moving on with your day, whether Ed was with you or not. You didn’t let him hold you hostage in the house. Great job!! I love you!

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