I want to give a quick update on my post from yesterday about working out.
I knew if I stepped into that gym before it was time to meet with my trainer, that it would literally be giving Ed permission to come and spread his darkness all over my mind for the entire day.
After thinking it through and listening to the comments from the post, I made the choice to only walk into the gym right when it was time to meet with my trainer. This way there was no space for me to get on a cardio machine and let Ed mark his territory on me once again.
Even though it was extremely hard to do it, I am proud that I was able to do what was healthy for me instead of what might have felt good at that moment, yet harmful to my recovery in the future.
After I started my day by listening to my voice of recovery, I felt 10 feet tall again.
Last night, after I was home from visiting my grandma in the hospital, I was feeling lonely in this house by myself. Usually when I am lonely, I begin to let Ed comfort me.
Either I let him comfort me with his lies about how much I need him and how much I need to restrict to feel good about myself, or I let him comfort me with his lies about how incredible a binge would make me feel and how that would fill the lonely void that I am feeling.
Once I noticed I was feeling alone, I knew I had to do something about it.
So I went to the tiny innocent arms of the three people who I knew would surround me with so much love, that loneliness would not even be able to be present, and therefore, neither would Ed.
I went and took my three little brothers out to frozen yogurt. I went and hugged them, kissed them, and embraced their pure happiness of just seeing my face.
I could have sat home and let Ed sabotage me and my recovery last night, but I made a choice . I made a choice to be kind to myself.
I made a choice to stick to my recovery.
And on top of that, I made the choice of not bringing Ed with me when I went and hugged my brothers.
As my brothers and I were eating our frozen yogurt, I finished mine and said out loud that I wished I had more and that I really wanted to get some more.
My 9 year old brother turned to me, and as innocently as possible said, “then go get some more.”
This would seem like the logical thing to do, right? If you want more of something, then go get more. He didn’t even have to think about saying that before he said it, it just came naturally to him.
I told him that it was OK and that I was fine.
But right as I said that, I looked in his eyes and I felt a sense of disappointment. I could feel he wanted me to get more. He wanted me to be happy. He wanted me to be free from Ed.
So, I walked back into the store and I got myself some more.
When I came back to sit down with them outside, my brother turned me and said,” Shira, you just beat Ed again, good job,” and he high fived me.
I was speechless. I was speechless for a few reasons.
At first, I was sad that he knew that Ed was affecting me for those few minutes that I was contemplating getting more yogurt or not. I was sad he had to see me internalize the chaos going on in my head.
But at the same time, I was overjoyed and moved.
I could have let him only see Ed take over my decision to not get more yogurt-but I didn’t.
Instead, I let him watch me walk back into that store and get more.
I got to let him see me stand up to Ed and do what I wanted. I got to let him see me be strong, and that is a beautiful thing.
Furthermore, just the fact that I was able to share that moment of defeating Ed with my brother, is truly what I call a “hello life moment.” Those moments, are what I am doing recovery for.
Those moments where I can make my 9 year old brother proud of me, is why I am doing recovery.
Those moments, where my brothers and I become more than just siblings-we come an army of support for one another-is why I am doing recovery.
This morning was a hard morning for me because my nutritionist told me that although I am doing great on sticking to my meal plan, it still is not enough food as she would like me to be having.
This made me feel overwhelmed and I just felt like it was too much to handle.
But as I sit here and reflect upon that hello life moment yesterday, when my brother literally got to see me defeat Ed, I feel strong again.
I can handle this meal plan and I can handle recovery.
I got such an immense amount of strength last night from being with my brothers, and from being able to be a role model to them, from being able to just be a sister to them-and not just a girl struggling with an eating disorder-that I planned an entire night of dinner and a movie for us tonight.
I am letting them pick the restaurant-something that Ed would never have let me do before.
I am being a sister tonight. I am being me,and Ed will not get in my way.
I just can’t get over how beautiful it was to hear my brother tell me “Shira, you just beat Ed.”
I will think about that hello life moment every single time I feel Ed trying to creep back into my mind today.
My brother was 100% right last night-I am beating Ed.
One meal, one frozen yogurt, one outing with my brothers at a time-I am defeating him, and it makes me want to shout to the whole world, “hello life.”