Day 65: Breaking Road Blocks

Good morning everyone,

I am faced with a big dilemma this morning.

Later on this afternoon, I am supposed to go meet my trainer at the gym and have a session with her.

The issue with this is, is that for the past two weeks, I’ve been going to the gym 45 minutes earlier to do cardio first.

The cardio used to be just walking, and it used to be something that I enjoyed. I liked listening to my music and enjoying the feeling of just moving my body.

But after the past few weeks, that walking and that time spent on the treadmill has become an Ed controlled territory.

Instead of walking last week, I ran. I ran hard. I ran to the point where I felt I was dizzy.

After being extremely physically exhausted last Friday, I made the decision with E that I did not want to add yet another road block that I need to get through on my recovery.

I already have so many road blocks that I need to break already, that adding over-exercising to it is truthfully not worth it.

Since that Friday, I have not had to work out, because I haven’t had an appointment to see my trainer. I have been able to listen to my body and to not work out because I’ve been physically tired.

But, what happens today?

Now is when I am faced with the real challenge.

I very much could walk into the  gym early after I am done tutoring.

I actually made my tutoring schedule this morning all around the fact that I need to be done by 10:30 a.m. so I have time to do cardio before I see my trainer at 12.

I even am scared to work out with my trainer today since I know I need to be weighed tomorrow at my nutritionist appointment, and I don’t want her to see any “muscle weight gain” on the scale.

I’m in a very hard situation right now between listening to my voice and Ed’s.

I know, that if I walk into that gym today, I will be recreating that road block for myself.

I know the past few days that I’ve listened to my body and not worked out, that I’ve started to break down those road blocks that exercise could potentially bring me.

Do I think I will always be scared of cardio? No. But right now, it has the great potential to become a a new purging tactic.

I could do a few things this morning.

I could either come home after tutoring and only  leave the house at 11:30 so I can be at the gym right at 12, which would be the healthiest option to do.

I could let Ed make me cancel my appointment with my trainer since I am nervous about the muscle weight gain tomorrow.

I could go and try to only walk on the treadmill before my meeting with my trainer.

Either way, I am going in circles in my mind trying to figure out whose voice is whose today.

Do I not want to train today, or does Ed? Do I want to do cardio today, or does Ed?

It’s so frustrating to be hearing such loud thoughts in your head and to not know which ones are healthy, or which ones are truly your own.

I know that I am so nervous about being weighed tomorrow, even though I do not get to see the number. I am nervous about the muscle weight.

I am almost thinking if this is going to stress me out, then maybe it is just better to not work out today, and give myself the gift of not stressing out-even if its a ridiculous reason to stress.

But if I do that, I feel I am letting Ed win.

I am nervous to walk into that gym and get pulled into that Ed dominated world of pushing my body past its limits.

I thought that by the end of this post, that I would know what to do today, but I don’t.

So I am going to have to trust myself as best that I can to make the healthiest decision possible.

Regardless of the decision I end up making, just the fact that I can realize that this exercising could potentially be a road block that I want to break now, and the fact that I have sat here and literally wrote out what I’m honestly thinking, is a big deal.

More than that, I’ve sat here and have tried to weigh the pro’s and con’s of this dilemma today. I am not thinking in that black or white, all or nothing mind set today.

I am weighing different options and different solutions-I am living in the grey, and while it is uncertain, it kind of feels good.

Even if I don’t totally break down this road block today, I know that just by being honest about it in this post, is a step in the right direction.

Hello to being honest, hello to starting to break down road blocks, and hello life.


4 thoughts on “Day 65: Breaking Road Blocks

  1. I’m sorry you are having a hard time today. Usually when a friend is having a dilemma I say go with your gut, but your gut is dominated at times by ED, so I will suggest to feel the fear of the muscle gain and stick to your plan WITH your trainer anyway. Don’t go alone first because you already know you are not alone today, that ED is there for the moment. It’s ok to be uncomfortable with gaining muscle weight but its not ok to not move through that discomfort anyway. If you try and you can’t go, you will next time and it won’t be a big deal not to go today, but that being said TRY.
    Love you!

  2. Shira, what if instead of going to the gym early you took a gentle walk in your neighborhood and used it to stop and smell the roses and reflect on all the good things you’ve experienced in the past few days. You would be making a good compromise in your need for more exercise and a healthy choice for your body. Walking helps me clear my head and make better life choices.

  3. You know what’s right to do, but it’s hard to do the right things. Try to push yourself to go home then go to the gym or take a short walk down our street. Love you and have a good day !

  4. I remember having this fight in my head. Hell, 8ish years into recovery and I still have slips where I’m wondering if I’m exercising to help my mental health or to lose weight obsessively. What worked for me was truly listening to what my body needed at that moment. If it needs rest, then rest. And if it needs to move, move. Best wishes to you and thanks for your honesty, it is inspiring!

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