Day 64: 10 Feet Tall

Good afternoon everyone,

Thank you so much for everyone’s good wishes and prayers yesterday.

Yesterday, I was presented with many challenges for my recovery.

While I was able to be present in the moment with my family and be of support, later that night, there were a few challenges that came my way.

After I left the hospital late last night, I came home, where I knew I would be alone, since my grandma was in the hospital.

There was no one here. There was no one to know if I skipped dinner, and no one to know if I went to the gym at night-there was just me.

But I came home, and the first thing I did was walk into the kitchen to make myself dinner, and even a small dessert.

I didn’t even let Ed have the time of day to make me think otherwise. More than just make dinner, I sat and ate it alone.

Usually, eating alone is something that I would never do.

Eating alone used to mean eating alone with Ed-hearing his voice whisper in my ear about how eating would destroy my skinny body-how I am not worthy of eating-that is what eating alone used to mean.

I used to have to eat very quickly and while always doing something-either watching tv, reading a book or talking with a friend.

I did everything I could do to try to escape hearing Ed’s voice as I was eating-or I would try to do all that I could to avoid realizing that I was eating.

Along the process of my recovery, this situation of eating alone has drastically changed.

I remember there was a point in time, when I just got my meal plan, that I could not even eat sitting down, because it made the fact that I was actually eating seem so much more real.

There was a time that I couldn’t even use forks or knives and  I would have to use my hands, all in an effort to keep the thought of actually eating out of my mind.

But yesterday for dinner, and even this morning for breakfast and now for lunch, I sat down at the table that I normally sit at with my grandma, and I ate.

I ate alone and I ate with no distractions. It was one of the first times that I actually sat down and mindfully ate-and the best part is, is that I liked it.

I like that even though no one was watching, I was able to take care of myself and eat.

I like that even though I still feel uncomfortable eating, my voice was louder than Ed’s, and I still did it because I wanted to.

I like that I was finally able to sit alone, and actually enjoy the fact that I am eating-the fact that I am being kind to myself; and the fact that I do have the ability to quiet Ed’s voice when I want to.

It may sound cliche, but I feel 10 feet tall today.

A few months ago, I never would have been able to see myself eating alone, and eating because I want to.

More than that, I never would have been able to visualize me actually liking the fact that I am eating or liking the fact that I am being kind to myself.

This morning, I woke up and I felt the urge to work out since I didn’t yesterday-and since Ed was telling me I needed to. But I was so exhausted from my day at the hospital yesterday, and all I wanted to do was lay back down. And without even thinking about it for more than 5 minutes, I made the decision to listen to my body and to rest.

I was able to take care of myself even though Ed tried to tell me not to.

These past few instances of eating dinner yesterday when no one was watching, of being mindful about eating and actually enjoying it, and of listening to my body this morning-these instances literally make me feel like I am 10 feet tall.

I feel that I am standing tall today. I am proud today.

Just the fact that I can be committed to taking care of myself and committed to my recovery, despite feeling the physical discomfort or fear of what it might do to my body, is a huge deal in my eyes.

The idea that my Ed related thoughts did not affect my actions today, gives me true strength all over my body.

Today, my recovery isn’t about weight or even about the eating-it’s about me taking the necessary steps to take care of myself, and being able to actually enjoy me taking care of myself-something that was not possible before this point in my journey.

I love this 10 foot tall, strong and confidant girl who is writing this post right now. I love her. I love her because Ed is not the one behind these words-I am.

Hello to living today feeling 10 feet tall, and “hello life.”

 

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2 thoughts on “Day 64: 10 Feet Tall

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