Day 63: Life

Hello everyone,

Today is one of those days that life throws at you and you don’t know quite know how to handle it .

I am writing this post from the hospital lobby that I am going to be sitting in for the next few hours with my family when my grandma is in a major surgery.

For the first time during this recovery process, I can truly tell you, that there is no Ed today .

Today, there is the immense love and concern that I have for my grandma and there is the beautiful support of our family being there together through it all .

Had this post been written a few months ago, I would not be sitting here letting myself feel genuine concern about my grandma.

Instead, I’d be sitting here hungry, waiting for 2 p.m to approach so I can finally let myself eat my 80 calorie lunch and if I weighed a good enough number that day, I might have let myself feel worthy of taking a moment away from Ed and letting myself be present with my family .

Thankfully, that is not how today is.

I woke up this morning next to my beautiful grandma . We both got ready together and watched the news together as she got ready to leave for the hospital .

This morning , I was a granddaughter. I wasn’t a number on some dumb scale .

And furthermore, I am actually able to be present today and be a daughter to my mom who is here , a cousin and a niece; I can be of support and strength to my grandma .

I know that I can only be those things today because of the place I am in my recovery .

Had I still been validating myself by that number on a scale, I could not have been able to be present today and to be ready to take on this day that life decided to put not only in my path , but my family’s path as well.

While the scary feelings that I feel about this surgery that are taking over Ed right now are not good or better than him, I am glad that Ed is not here today .

I am glad I can make the choice to leave him at home for just a day and be present with my family during this difficult time.

Just the fact that I woke up today next to my grandma , and I woke up next to her actually feeling like her granddaughter and not feeling as a though I am only number on a scale, gives me more than enough reason to say “hello life.”

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4 thoughts on “Day 63: Life

  1. Good for you, Shira. We too are thinking of you all at this time and praying for Josie’s surgery to be successful so that she can live her life comfortably. I know she appreciated having you close last night and this morning.

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