Today is one of those days that life throws at you and you don’t know quite know how to handle it .
I am writing this post from the hospital lobby that I am going to be sitting in for the next few hours with my family when my grandma is in a major surgery.
For the first time during this recovery process, I can truly tell you, that there is no Ed today .
Today, there is the immense love and concern that I have for my grandma and there is the beautiful support of our family being there together through it all .
Had this post been written a few months ago, I would not be sitting here letting myself feel genuine concern about my grandma.
Instead, I’d be sitting here hungry, waiting for 2 p.m to approach so I can finally let myself eat my 80 calorie lunch and if I weighed a good enough number that day, I might have let myself feel worthy of taking a moment away from Ed and letting myself be present with my family .
Thankfully, that is not how today is.
I woke up this morning next to my beautiful grandma . We both got ready together and watched the news together as she got ready to leave for the hospital .
This morning , I was a granddaughter. I wasn’t a number on some dumb scale .
And furthermore, I am actually able to be present today and be a daughter to my mom who is here , a cousin and a niece; I can be of support and strength to my grandma .
I know that I can only be those things today because of the place I am in my recovery .
Had I still been validating myself by that number on a scale, I could not have been able to be present today and to be ready to take on this day that life decided to put not only in my path , but my family’s path as well.
While the scary feelings that I feel about this surgery that are taking over Ed right now are not good or better than him, I am glad that Ed is not here today .
I am glad I can make the choice to leave him at home for just a day and be present with my family during this difficult time.
Just the fact that I woke up today next to my grandma , and I woke up next to her actually feeling like her granddaughter and not feeling as a though I am only number on a scale, gives me more than enough reason to say “hello life.”