Good afternoon everyone,
First off, I want to thank everyone for their incredible support yesterday. I did end up going out, and feeling beautiful, and it was a feeling that I hope I can recreate many more times in my future.
This morning, I was watching Joel Osteen, as I do every Sunday, and he began talking about passing the small tests in life.
After being so consumed in Ed yesterday, with trying on that dress, to then later trying on every single pair of jeans in my closet-this is something I needed to listen to.
All this week, I’ve felt that I’ve been failing at the major test in my life right now: recovery.
I categorized recovery as one huge major test, and simply felt because I was not doing it “perfectly,” or because I was still having Ed control a majority of my thoughts, that I was not passing it.
But I thought about it this morning as I was watching Joel Osteen talk, and I’ve realized that recovery is not one big test; rather, it is tiny little tests all strung together that in the end, are creating my destiny to freedom from Ed.
I felt down on myself all of yesterday, especially when I was trying on all of my old jeans.
I wanted to stop but I felt I couldn’t.
I literally had to stand in the mirror, look at myself in the eyes and tell myself over and over, “Shira, you do not need those jeans to validate you. You don’t need that number.”
I felt so out of control with my body yesterday, I was even about to ask my sister to weigh me on a scale with my eyes closed and just tell me if I was under a certain number-but I didn’t (and she wouldn’t do it anyways) because as she told me, and as I knew, that would be the exact same thing as weighing myself, and I am not giving up on this one year journey of one year without a scale.
So, what are the small tests that I’ve passed this week?
1. I stuck to my meal plan, despite being so trapped in Ed’s box and having to listen to him tell me how huge it would make it, I stuck to it anyway and I passed that test.
2. I went to Shabbat dinner on Friday night with my family, and I made the conscience choice to leave Ed in my car because I told myself, that I would never, ever let him touch my brothers-and by being present in my mind, I felt it was as though he was taking me away from being present in that moment with them. That night, Ed was not around. I passed.
3. I went out last night, despite feeling fearful of stepping outside my comfort zones. I put on a new dress that I felt good in, even though Ed told me to wear the tight one that reminded me of how much weight I’ve gained. I put on what I felt good in, I felt beautiful and I passed.
4. Today, I am going to choose an outfit to wear that I know I feel good in, and later tonight, when I get to the hotel that I’ll be staying in just for tonight-I am going to take the scale in that room (if it has it, which they usually do) and give it to someone else.
I want to pass the little tests in recovery and I want to take my time to step back and acknowledge when I do.
This week is going to be full of moments where I will be alone with Ed-where I am going to feel that he might be the only thing in my life that is certain and that I know-but am I am going to try to view every negative thought he puts in my mind as a small test that I am going to try to pass.
I feel that life in general is made up of small tests that we all as human beings need to pass everyday.
Everything from being kind to others, helping someone in need, or doing the right thing when no one is watching, are all small tests that we as individuals strive to want to pass each day.
Above all, I believe one of the biggest tests in life-is one that may be deemed small by others, but it is very big to me-and that is the test of being kind to ourselves.
I will be kind to myself today.
I will not try on jeans right now that I know will not make me feel good.
I have the urge to so badly-I want to retry on everything I tried on yesterday. But this is the test that is laying in front of me right now and it’s up to me to decide how I want to take it and what I want the end result to be.
I choose to pass it, and not only pass it, but pass it with flying colors.
I am hopeful that while there may be small tests that are harder to pass than others, and maybe some that I won’t even pass on the first attempt-I am hopeful that I have the inner strength, strive and devotion to my recovery to one day, pass them all.
I’ve already passed many small tests today: I woke up, I ate breakfast and I decided to be kind to myself regardless of Ed’s voice telling me not to.
Hello to embracing, accepting and passing the small tests we are all challenged with every day, and “hello life.”